Neither Beast Nor Man
by W.H. Woolhat
Summary: Remus discovers that he's not as alone in his condition as he thought. But when he starts to immerse himself in what he isn't, his life takes a turn for the worse. Marauder Era. M for scenes of violence.
1. Spring, 1979

Author's Note: All time periods are based on the timelines at the Harry Potter Lexicon ]. Chapter 1 – Spring, 1979 

                The waning moon rose in the chilly night, not quite full, but not quite half yet, either.  Stars glittered against the purple blackness of the sky as another spring day died.

                Remus Lupin stood at the mirror, ignoring the night as he inspected a fresh, livid scar on his right cheek.  It was a sickly shade of pinky-white and ran nearly from his ear to the corner of his mouth.  He sighed; it was just another morbid reminder of his condition.

                He knew he looked far too old for someone who was only nineteen.  Most of his body was covered in pockmarks or scars, and he constantly had dark rings under his eyes.  His hands were rough and his nails torn; it looked as though he'd worked hard every day of his life, or he'd been through a war of some sort.

                The problem was, of course, that he hadn't.  No, all his "battle scars" were from being a bloody werewolf, a creature of the moon, and he hated it.  He'd hated it all through school, and now that he'd been out of school for a year, he wasn't about to stop.

                But, on the other hand, he had his friends.  James, Sirius, and Peter had been there for him through school, running with him and generally letting him believe that he was human.  Now, though, even they were slipping, one by one, into the streams of their own lives.

                It had been great at first.  Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter had graduated from Hogwarts and immediately moved into the house that Sirius had bought with money he'd inherited from some rich relative.  They'd spent their time generally goofing off, being pals, and working intermittently at menial jobs when they were seized by a fit of responsibility.  More often than not someone was drunk or the house was a mess, but none of them had cared.  It was like a little slice of heaven for a bunch of teenagers like them.

                Then suddenly, James had announced that he was engaged to his girlfriend from school, Lily Evans, and everything started to change.  James spent a lot of time at Lily's place, planning the wedding, and he started sleeping during the full moons instead of going out and running with his friends.

                Peter, meanwhile, had developed an obsession with Divination.  His explanation was that he was sick of being paranoid and was determined to learn how to see the future.  After a few weeks of staying locked in his room with a teapot and a crystal ball, Peter had decided that the best way to get in touch with his "inner eye" was to go off to some remote part of the country and study with "the best".

                He had stayed only long enough to attend James and Lily's wedding the week before, and now that both Peter and James had move out of the house, Remus was beginning to feel lonely.  Sure, he still had Sirius, but since Sirius's idea of a "good time" was still a case of beer and a roomful of women, that wasn't necessarily a comforting thought.  There was always the chance that he wouldn't be sober enough to remember when it was full moon, let alone be able to change.

                And Lily...well, despite the fact that she and James lived relatively close, and that she accepted James's friends for what they were, Remus knew that she wasn't about to let her husband go off to run with a werewolf once a month.

                So the pack was scattered; the Marauders remained in name only.  Remus sighed and turned away from the mirror.  No matter what the others did or where it took them, his own fate would remain the same.

                The waning moon shone through the grimy kitchen window.  While Remus was upstairs lamenting, Sirius Black was in the kitchen, drinking tea.

                The house seemed so quiet with James and Peter gone.  James was his own brand of party animal, and Peter...well, okay, so Peter was a bit of a wuss and never said much, but he'd had his moments.  And now they'd both gone their own ways.

                Sirius had no "way", but that didn't bother him much.  He was quite content to poke around the house, go to parties, and generally have a good time.  He rolled with the flow well enough that he wasn't feeling too depressed about the Marauders drifting apart.  It had to happen, right?  There was no way they could have stayed on as four rowdy bachelors all their lives.  Besides, Lily was a nice girl, and James was happy, which was pretty much all that Sirius cared about.

                But...there was the matter of Remus.  When you really got down to it, the Marauders had started for him and because of him.  Sirius knew that the fact that the schoolboy friendship was starting to break up was not going over well with Remus.  And who could blame him?  He was sensitive – for multiple reasons – and he cared about his friends.  And, Sirius was sure, he wondered what he'd become without them.

                As if on cue, Remus came down the stairs, looking wretched.  Sirius sucked in his break when he saw the scar.

                "I'm sorry, Moony," he said as Remus sat down and poured himself a cup of tea. 

                Remus shook his head.  "Nothing you can do about it."

                "Yeah, but I'm the one who gave it to you," Sirius insisted, feeling suddenly guilty.

                "And I'm the one who wouldn't go to the hospital," Remus replied, "Really, Padfoot, don't beat yourself up about it."

                Sirius said nothing, but he knew that the blame for Remus's newest injury fell on him.

                They'd been in the woods, along with James – Peter had been off gazing into a crystal teacup or something – and Remus had gotten slightly out of hand.  No big deal, it had happened before, but this time, when Sirius had gone to rein him in, Remus had gotten nasty.  So they'd ended up fighting, and only stopped when James had managed to break them apart.

                When Remus was human again, it turned out that a swipe across the face from Sirius during the fight had opened a rather large gash on his cheek.  Sirius had fussed and insisted on taking Remus to a hospital, but Remus had refused.  He didn't want to have to answer questions, or risk having to stay overnight, and now his face looked like the aftermath of a bad Quidditch match.

                "Are you sure that you still want to have Lily and James over for dinner tomorrow?" Sirius asked.  Remus shrugged.

                "Doesn't bother me.  They know what I go through."

                Sirius sighed inwardly.  He'd half-hoped that Remus would let loose with some emotions for a change and refuse to let anyone else see him.  But, as usual, he kept everything inside and pretended that being a werewolf didn't bother him.  Sirius knew otherwise, though; he also knew that James would have a thing or two to say about "looking after" Remus now that Sirius was the only one around to do so.

                "This is weird," Remus commented as he chopped an onion.

                "What, not having Peter around, looking over our shoulders to make sure we're not using something he's allergic to?" Sirius asked with a grin.

                "That," Remus grinned, as well, "And just...I don't know.  This feels kind of formal.  It used to be that we'd throw some food in a pan and you or James would show up twenty minutes later, half drunk and starving."

                Sirius laughed.  "Well, this time, at least, James'll be punctual."

                "Only because Lily is," Remus reminded him, "James was always late for everything besides Quidditch matches."

                The doorbell rang as Sirius was setting the table.

                "I'll get it," Remus said, heading for the front hall.  James practically jumped on him when he opened the door.

                "Moony!" he exclaimed, pulling Remus into a brotherly embrace, "How're you?"

                "I'd be just fine if you'd let me breathe," Remus replied indistinctly.  James let him go with a chuckle.

                "Aren't you gonna say hello to my lovely wife?" he asked, putting an arm around Lily's shoulders.

                "Hi, Lily," Remus greeted Lily politely.

                "Hello, Remus," she said.  It seemed like an innocent enough exchange, but both James and Remus saw that Lily's bottle-green eyes were fixed on Remus's cheek.  James cleared his throat.

                "So," he said, "Where's Padfoot?"

                "In the kitchen, finishing up with the cooking," Remus replied, shaking himself.  Lily was nice enough, but he didn't like being pinned under her gaze.

                "Great!  Let's go eat, then," James grinned and led Lily into the kitchen.  Remus followed a moment later, feeling oddly singled out.

                Dinner was...weird.  James kept going on about all the things he and Lily were planning on doing, Sirius repeatedly tried to ask embarrassing questions about their sex life, and all the while Remus could feel Lily staring at him.

                _Any minute now_, he thought, keeping his eyes on his plate.

                "And how have you been, Remus?" Lily asked suddenly.  Remus cringed inwardly.

                _I knew it._  Aloud, he said,  "Oh, you know, I can't complain."

                "It's just that you've been awfully quiet," Lily persisted, her eyes still on Remus's face.  Remus smiled tightly.

                "Not much to say," he said, fighting to keep his voice level, "Life's been peachy."

                "And so has ours," James said, much louder than was necessary.  He then launched into another story about his first week of married life.  Remus tuned it out and ate the rest of his meal in silence.

                Once the table was cleared, Lily excused herself and headed for the bathroom.  Remus started doing the dishes out of habit and didn't notice that Sirius and James had left the room until he heard quiet voices in the hall.  He put down the dishrag and strained his ears.

                "...just a scratch," he heard Sirius say.

                "A scratch?  God, Padfoot, did you see the way Lily was staring at him?" James's voice was a harsh whisper, "She's gonna think we beat up on him or something."

                "But she _knows_ –"

                "I know she knows!  But she doesn't really understand," James sighed, "Listen, she worries about me, and about you guys.  Seeing Moony like that...it scares her.  And, to tell you the truth, it scares me, too.  What's he gonna be without the Marauders?  _Where's_ he gonna be?  And what can we do for him all scattered like this?"

                Without really meaning to, Remus crept closer to the hallway.  He heard Sirius blow out a breath.

                "Believe me, I've worried about that stuff too.  But what can we do?  He's got his own life to live, just like the rest of us."

                "Padfoot, listen to me," James's voice was suddenly low and serious, "You're the only one who can look after Moony now.  Take good care of him."

                "Dammit, Prongs, I don't need a baby-sitter!" Remus burst out, storming into the hallway, "I'm a werewolf, not a two-year-old!"

                "Whoa, cool it, Moony," Sirius held up his hands, "We just want you to be safe."

                "Don't you think that's what I want for you guys, too?" Remus exclaimed, "I beat myself up every day over what _might_ happen if I lose it.  I may get the crap kicked out of me, but one of you guys could _die_, and there wouldn't be a damn thing I could do about it.  Hell, I could be the one _to_ do it.  Do you think I _want_ things to be like that?"

                "God, no!" James exclaimed, "Moony, that's _why_ we worry: because you worry!  We don't want you going into a funk over something you can't control.  It don't know about Padfoot, but I'm not worried about you being a werewolf; I'm worried about what might happen if you forget you're human."

                Remus was taken aback.

                "What's _that _supposed to mean?"

                "Just what it sounds like," James retorted, "You always whine and fret about being a werewolf, but honestly, that's not _who _you are!  It's a form you take on once a month.  Big deal!  You're human the rest of the month; don't waste that time worrying about a few nights you can't control!"

                This cooled Remus down a little.  James did have a point.  At Hogwarts, Remus had schoolwork to keep him busy most of the time, and the Marauders to get him into trouble the rest of the time.  But with school over and not much to occupy himself with, Remus had been stewing in his problems quite a bit.

                "Okay, I'm sorry," he said quietly, "But...well, you guys know how it is."

                Before anything else could be said, Lily appeared in the hallway.

                "I'm ready, James...what's going on?"

                "Just talking," James replied, taking her arm.  To Remus and Sirius, he said, "Thanks for dinner.  We'll see you soon."

                "See ya," Sirius nodded.  With a pop, James and Lily Disapparated, leaving Sirius and Remus alone in the hall.  After a moment of silence, Sirius put a hand on Remus's shoulder.

                "I'm here for you, Moony," he said, "Always."


	2. Winter, 1979

Chapter 2 – Winter, 1979 

Large, heavy snowflakes floated past the window. There was already a ton of snow on the ground, and the weather wasn't showing any signs of letting up.

"C'mon, Moony, let's go to Diagon Alley!" Sirius shouted up the stairs. Remus looked up from his book and glanced out the window.

"In _this_?" he shouted back.

"Why not? We'll take the motorbike!"

"Padfoot, the last thing I want to do is have my face squashed against your hair for half an hour."

"Then you can drive!" Sirius persisted. Remus sighed.

"I don't want to go!"

"Fine, but don't expect me to save your butt on Christmas when James and Lily wonder why you didn't get them anything!" Sirius exclaimed. Remus detected the hint of a grin in his friend's voice, and gave in.

"Oh, all right. I'll be down in a minute."

He could understand Sirius's excitement, really. After all, Lily had just recently announced that she was pregnant. The baby wasn't due until summer, but she and James were already out buying baby things and designing a nursery. It was kind of cute.

When Remus got downstairs, Sirius was standing by the door, decked out in leather from head to toe and swinging a pair of goggles from one hand. Remus chuckled.

"You dress like that on purpose, don't you?" he asked, grabbing a coat out of the front closet.

"Hey, it's a motorbike," Sirius shrugged, "Gotta wear leather on a motorbike."

"Uh huh. And it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the ladies drool over a long-haired weirdo with a leather jacket?" Remus grinned.

Sirius ran a hand through his chin-length black hair and laughed.

"Hey, this isn't long. You wait, some day it'll be down to my arse." Remus laughed, as well.

"Whatever you say, Padfoot. So, are we ready to go?"

"Yup," Sirius replied. He reached in his pocket and tossed a set of keys to Remus. Remus looked at him in surprise.

"Hey, I said you could drive," Sirius grinned, "Let's go."

The motorbike came to a bumpy halt in one of the less crowded parts of Diagon Alley. Sirius gave a strangled cough and tumbled off onto the cobbles as people scattered.

"Bloody hell, Moony, you drive all right, but I have _got _to give you some landing lessons," he groaned, clutching his chest.

Remus swung himself off the bike and rolled his eyes.

"Come on, it wasn't that bad."

"Oh yes it was!" Sirius insisted, getting up and brushing himself off, "I swear, I'll Apparate next time or something."

"You know you shouldn't do that. You could land on somebody," Remus said with a grin. He steered the bike over to a wall with a sign saying, "Please tether your brooms", and parked it next to a particularly shiny Nimbus 1000. Then he followed Sirius out into the bustle of the street.

There were a lot of people out, apparently getting their Christmas shopping done while the stores still had some decent things left. Several motherly-looking witches already had their arms full of packages and boxes. Remus tried his best not to run into anyone.

"Looks like there are going to be a lot of new brooms under trees this year," Sirius commented, peering in the window of Quality Quidditch Supplies.

Remus looked over his shoulder; the shop was packed. He laughed and poked Sirius in the back.

"You don't need a broom, Padfoot," he said, knowing the real reason that Sirius had his nose pressed against the glass, "You've got your bike. Besides, I thought we were here to shop for Lily and James?"

"Right," Sirius tore his gaze away from the window and looked around. Suddenly, a voice spoke out of the crowd, low and nasty:

"Well, well, well, if it isn't a couple of dogs."

Remus cringed. He recognized that voice. Apparently Sirius did, as well, because he tensed and looked over his shoulder. His mouth twisted into a sneer.

"_Snivellus_," he spat venomously, confirming Remus's fear. The voice belonged to none other than Severus Snape, who hadn't liked the Marauders much to begin with, and had graduated to positively hating their guts after Sirius had attempted to pull a nearly fatal trick on him at school. Now, whenever Snape saw any of the Marauders, he made his hatred of them plain. He appeared out of the crowd now, clad in black and looking smug.

"What's the matter, Black? Sick of poking around the house, so you finally decided to get out for a change?"

Sirius's hands clenched into fists, but Remus jumped in before he could say anything.

"We're just shopping, Severus," he explained calmly.

"Yes, during the day, I see," said Snape icily, "Wouldn't want to get caught mooning around with the night life, would you, Lupin?"

"Shut up," Sirius hissed, stepping forward and raising a fist.

"Temper, temper," Snape chuckled, "I see you can't take what you dish out."

"Listen, Remus never did a thing to you, so you've got no right to pick on him!" Sirius exclaimed, causing a few people to pause and look in his direction. Remus laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Padfoot, come on, he isn't worth your time."

"I'm not going to let him say that stuff to you, okay?" Sirius shouted. To Snape, he said, "You leave Remus alone, _Snivellus_."

Snape raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, _I_ see," he said with a knowing grin, "Tell me, Black, do you _really_ think I'm threatened by some fairy and his werewolf bitch?"

Sirius's temper exploded. Remus tried to hold him back, but he broke out of the grip and flew at Snape, bearing him to the ground. He had one hand wrapped tightly around Snape's throat, and was using the other to punch Snape repeatedly in the face. People started screaming and Remus tried to pull Sirius off Snape.

"Sirius, _stop_! We're in public, for God's sake; you're going to get yourself arrested!"

Sirius wasn't listening. He was focused on beating the living tar out of Snape, shrieking further threats as he did so. Finally, Snape managed to jam one of his knees into Sirius's groin, and Sirius rolled off him, his eyes watering. As Remus hauled him to his feet, he gasped,

"If you _ever_ talk that kind of shit again, I'll make _very _sure that you don't make it out upright."

Snape scrambled to his feet, fingering his bleeding lower lip. A bruise was already forming around one of his eyes, and blood was oozing from his nose.

"You're crazy!" he shrieked, backing away into the shocked crowd, "Completely insane!"

Sirius made as if to lunge forward again, and Snape turned and ran, his cloak billowing out behind him.

Remus stared at the bloodstained snow for a minute, too stunned to speak. Suddenly, he became aware of a soft sound. He looked up, only to find that tears were streaming down Sirius's cheeks.

"Aw, Padfoot, don't cry," Remus put an arm around Sirius's shoulders, "It's okay, he's gone."

Sirius shook his head and tried to catch his breath.

"It's not okay," he whispered, "I can't...I can't _do _this, Moony."

"What do you mean?" Remus asked, slightly confused.

"I was just trying to protect you," Sirius said miserably, "And I let him get to me."

So Sirius was worried about not being able to take care of a friend. Remus sighed. When Sirius got protective, he usually went overboard, and Snape wasn't going to forget this display any time soon. Neither was half the crowd in Diagon Alley, come to think of it.

"Come on," Remus said finally, "Let's go get a drink." He gently steered Sirius out of the busy street and into the Leaky Cauldron.

The dim gloom was warm and welcoming. Remus was glad for the cover that the low light offered as he and Sirius tucked themselves away at a table in the corner. Sirius sat huddled in his chair, pale and shaking.

"Excuse me."

Remus looked up at the sound of the voice and found a tall woman standing next to the table. Her long, blonde hair seemed to glow in the dim light.

"Yes?" Remus asked. He was pretty sure that he'd never seen the woman before.

"I saw the fight in the street. Is your friend all right?" the woman inquired, surveying Sirius with large, amber-colored eyes.

"Get me a stiff drink and I'll be just fine," Sirius grumbled, hugging himself. The woman chuckled.

"Okay, then. I just wanted to check." She held out a hand, revealing unusually long fingernails, painted red. "I'm Diana Silvetta, by the way."

Sirius scoffed and turned away, but Remus took the proffered hand.

"Remus Lupin," he said, "And my friend is Sirius Black, as antisocial as he may be at the moment. You're welcome to sit with us, if you'd like."

"Thank you," Diana seated herself gracefully and waved for a barmaid.

"Butterbeer," she requested.

"And a scotch," Sirius said, "Actually, make that a double."

"Butterbeer, was well," Remus said, casting a glance at Sirius. When the barmaid had gone, he murmured, "Don't overdo it, Padfoot, especially not on Muggle stuff."

Sirius just shrugged and huddled down further in his chair. Remus turned to Diana.

"I don't think I've seen you here before," he said, "Do you live in the area?" Diana nodded.

"I do, but I studied abroad for several years," she replied, "I just returned last month, in fact."

"What were you studying?" Remus asked politely. He wasn't quite sure if he liked the way Diana carried herself, so he was being wary.

"For a while I did general magical studies, but for the last year or so, I studied Transfiguration," Diana said. She pushed her hair out of her face and leaned forward. "What about you?"

"Me?" Remus laughed shortly, "Well, I graduated Hogwarts, and I've basically been a bum ever since."

To his surprise, Diana laughed. It was a light, musical sound that somehow put him more at ease with her.

"That's better than some wizards do," she said lightly. It took Remus a second to catch her meaning, but when he did, he nodded. He knew that many of the people he'd gone to school with had taken up with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named immediately upon graduating. It was really no secret that Dark forces had a lot of power; they lurked everywhere, and it paid to be very critical of any strange wizards you ran into, even in places like Diagon Alley. That's why, even though he now felt comfortable with Diana, Remus kept the conversation light, electing to talk about incidental things until the drinks came.

Sirius perked up a bit once he had the scotch in front of him. He perked up even more once he started paying attention and got a better look at Diana. Remus noticed and attempted to start the conversation up again, if only to prevent Sirius from coming out with a stupid pick-up line.

"What brings you to Diagon Alley?" he asked, knowing that the question was lame but being unable to think of anything better.

"Christmas shopping," Diana answered, sipping her butterbeer, "And I'm guessing that's what you're doing, too?"

"Despite all other evidence, yes," Sirius was the one to answer. Remus was staring at Diana.

As she drank, her hair fell back from her face, and that's when Remus saw it: a long, thin mark on the side of her neck, just behind her ear, running down from her jawbone and disappearing under her hair. There was also a small mark below her temple. Both were much lighter than the surrounding skin, and were unmistakable as scars, and from pretty bad cuts by the look of it.

Remus touched his own face self-consciously and looked away before Diana could catch him staring at her. He recognized marks like that; he had several of them. They came from hidden brambles, low-hanging branches, sticks, rocks, and careless claws. He hardly dared to hope that what he was thinking could be true.

Sirius noticed none of this. Apparently, the scotch had already started going to his head, or he would have seen Remus's momentary surprise. But all he saw was that Remus had stopped talking, and he took it as an opportunity to chat up Diana.

Diana didn't put up with Sirius for long. Soon, she finished her butterbeer and stood up.

"I hate to run, but I would like to get my shopping done before dark," she said, laying a galleon on the table, "Drinks are on me."

"Was good to meet you," Sirius said, raising his empty glass. Diana smiled briefly at him, and waved to Remus before disappearing out the front door. Remus stared after her for a moment, then got up so fast that he nearly knocked the table over. He threw the door open and scanned the street, finally catching sight of Diana near the alleyway wall. He pushed his way through a crowd of loiterers and intercepted her before she could go back into Diagon Alley.

"Diana, I...I have to ask," he stammered, trying to catch his breath. Diana smiled.

"I thought you would," she said quietly. She seemed pleased rather than affronted, which confused Remus but didn't deter him.

"Er, are you...I mean, I saw, and then I thought..." he trailed off, unable to find the right words.

Diana laughed softly. Then, with one slender hand, she reached out and gently touched the scar on Remus's cheek. Remus felt his spine tingle.

"Yes," Diana answered the unspoken question, "I am a werewolf. I must admit I overheard that you're one, as well, and I was a bit curious."

The impact of this struck Remus dumb for a moment. To his knowledge, he'd never met another werewolf. As a rule, they were solitary and secretive people, but Diana was neither. In fact, she seemed almost happy that Remus had discovered her identity, and she was certainly very open. All doubts Remus had about her vanished as he looked into the glittering amber of her eyes and saw a part of himself looking back.

"I've never met...someone like me before," he whispered, looking at the ground.

"We're not a common race," Diana replied, withdrawing her hand, "But there are a few of us."

"Us?" Remus asked in surprise. Diana nodded.

"There's a small pack that meets a little north of here two nights a month," she explained.

"A pack..." Remus breathed in awe. The thought that werewolves might form a pack of their own had never crossed his mind.

"You've never run with a pack before?" Diana asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, not a pack of werewolves," Remus answered, snapping out of his thoughts. He realized too late how strange his reply sounded, but, much to his relief, Diana didn't ask any more questions.

"Well, maybe you could run with us sometime," she said. She fished around in her handbag and came up with a piece of paper and a quill, "Here's where we meet. Just Apparate there if you decide to join us."

She scribbled briefly and handed the paper to Remus. He stared at it, still a little overwhelmed by how fast things were moving. When he looked up to thank Diana, she was gone.


	3. Late Winter & Early Spring, 1980

Chapter 3 – Late Winter/Early Spring, 1980 

                Remus sat at the kitchen table, staring at the address Diana had given him.  He'd been looking at it a lot over the past month or so, especially before full moon, and wrestling with the idea of going to "run with the pack".  On the one hand, he had liked Diana, and the thought of finally being fully accepted as part of a group was very appealing.  On the other hand, he wondered if going out with another pack was somehow a betrayal to the Marauders.  After all, they were the only pack he'd ever known, and, despite their overprotective streak, they were very loyal.

                Remus was still debating with himself when Sirius came inside.  He had an owl on his shoulder and he was grinning.

                "Wormtail finally got off his arse and sent us a letter!" he announced, flourishing an envelope that was addressed to, "Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs" in cramped, shaky handwriting.  Remus glanced up briefly.

                "Yeah, that's from Wormtail all right," he said distantly.

                "Don't you want to read it?" Sirius asked, sitting down.  Remus shrugged.

                "Maybe later."

                "Geez, Moony, you've been obsessed with that piece of paper since before Christmas; would you at least let me see what's on it?" Sirius asked in exasperation.  It was disturbing to come downstairs most mornings and find Remus already awake, drinking tea and staring at a grubby scrap of paper instead of the paperback novels he usually had his nose in.

                "Fine," Remus sighed and passed the paper across the able.

                "It's...an address?" Sirius sounded confused.  Remus nodded.

                "Just promise that you won't follow me if I go there."

                "You're asking me not to look after you again, aren't you?" asked Sirius, raising an eyebrow.  When Remus nodded, Sirius sighed.

                "You're more stubborn that I am sometimes, Moony.  Where'd you get this, anyway?"  He handed the paper back to Remus.

                "Diana gave it to me," Remus replied.

                "Oh?" Sirius inquired suggestively.  Remus caught on to what he was thinking and rolled his eyes.

                "No, it's not her house or something," he said, starting to regret that he'd let Sirius see the paper in the first place.  Sirius wouldn't let up until he got the whole story, and Remus wasn't sure he wanted to tell it.  But then again, if he _didn't_ tell it, Sirius would almost certainly follow him to the pack's meeting place, and that wasn't a pleasant thought at all.

                "What is it, then?" Sirius wanted to know.  Remus sighed and took the plunge.

                "It's a place where a werewolf pack meets at full moon, all right?  I've been thinking about going."

                "You mean you haven't gone yet?" Sirius exclaimed, catching Remus off-guard.

                "Well, no, Padfoot.  This is kind of a serious decision," he said, trying to fathom Sirius's reaction.

                "What's there to decide?" Sirius demanded, "It's a _pack_, Moony!  That's something you've always wanted.  And who knows?  Maybe it'll cure those funks you get into around full moon."

                Remus could hardly believe his ears.  He had expected at least _some _incredulity on Sirius's part, and possibly a lecture on how he had friends and didn't need a pack.  He definitely hadn't expected Sirius to embrace the idea and practically push him out the door.

                "Well, full moon _is_ next week," he said slowly, looking at the paper again.

                "Right.  So go, have a good time," Sirius said with a grin.

                "And you're sure you're okay with this?" Remus asked.  Sirius laughed.

                "_Yes_, Moony.  In case you couldn't tell, I think it's a great idea.  Besides, Diana seemed nice, and I'm sure she had your best interests in mind when she gave you the address."

                Remus laughed, as well.  Leave it to Sirius to sneak a compliment about a cute girl into a serious discussion.  But having Sirius's approval made the whole thing easier, and Remus decided that it was worth it to at least check out the meeting.

                _After all_, he thought, _There can't really be anything that bad about it._

                The house was small, and was tucked far back from civilization with no apparent road to it.  Trees overhung the surrounding area, forming a cool, yet foreboding, canopy.

                Remus appeared in front of the house with a pop.  He surveyed the peeling white paint and creaky shutters warily, wondering if he had made the right decision in coming.  But he knew that appearance wasn't everything, so he strode up to the front door and lifted the heavy brass knocker, which, he noticed, was in the shape of a wolf's head.  He knocked twice and waited.

                A moment later, there were footsteps from inside and the door opened, revealing Diana.  Her hair was up in a bun and she was wearing a rather becoming black dress.

                "Remus!" she exclaimed, leaning forward and embracing Remus warmly, "I didn't think you'd come."

                Remus tried not to breathe in too much of Diana's perfume.  The scent was intoxicating, but he preferred to keep his wits about him.  He hugged her back awkwardly, and then pulled away.

                "I wasn't sure, myself," he replied.

                "But you're here, and that's what counts," Diana smiled, "Come in; you can meet the others before the moon rises."

                She beckoned him into the dim hallway and shut the door behind them.  Then she led the way to a set of double doors at the end of the hall.  Faint strains of conversation reached Remus's ears.

                "We're just talking before we go out," Diana explained, "It's usually not too formal, so make yourself comfortable and get acquainted."

                She pushed the doors open with a graceful flair, revealing a long, wood-paneled room that ran along the back of the house.  There was a fireplace on the left-hand wall, and a fire was crackling in it, giving the whole room a warm, comfortable atmosphere.  The only other light came from oil lamps that hung on hooks in the corners of the room.  On the far wall was another door, with a circular window facing out into a dense forest.

                All around the room were couches and low chairs, and nearly every one of them was occupied.  Remus estimated that there were about thirty men and women in the room, most close to his own age, but some older.

                "If you don't mingle, I'm going to introduce you where you're standing," Diana whispered with a smile.  Remus had to chuckle.  He appreciated that she was trying to get him to loosen up; he hadn't been expecting quite so many people, and his apprehensions were staring to overwhelm him.  Everyone in the room seemed connected and comfortable with each other, and Remus felt like he would be intruding if he just picked an empty spot and sat down.

                Diana solved his problem by taking his hand and leading him to a space at the end of one of the couches.  A man and a woman were already seated on the couch, and another man was sitting in a chair across from them.  They looked up when Diana approached.

                "Oh, this must be Remus!" exclaimed the woman as Remus and Diana sat down.  Diana nodded.

                "Yes, he showed up after all," she said.  Turning to Remus, she explained, "When you didn't come last month, we figured you weren't interested."

                "We were disappointed," said the man on the couch, "It's always good to meet someone new.  I'm Joel, by the way."

                "And I'm Mary," said the woman.  Both she and Joel were olive-skinned and dark-haired, with a similar build; Remus assumed, correctly, that they were brother and sister.

                "I'm Remus," he said, "But, er, you knew that already."

                Mary laughed.  "Yes, Diana's told us a bit about you, and it's good to meet you at last."

                "Likewise," Remus nodded.  At least Mary and Joel seemed nice enough.  However, it was kind of awkward to find out that Diana had been talking about him.  It felt as if expectations had been put on him without his knowledge. 

                He took a deep breath.  It was definitely time to loosen up a bit.  So far, the only response he'd gotten was happiness at the fact that he'd come.  Just as he was starting to feel comfortable, though, he caught sight of the man in the chair across from him, who hadn't yet spoken.  The man was drumming his fingers slowly on the arm of the chair, and, despite the fact that he was mostly in shadow, Remus got the impression of strength and power.

                Suddenly, a low light began to shine through the window on the back door.  The man's fingers stopped drumming.

                "It's time," he said, in a voice that was more a growl than anything else.  He saw forward, and Remus gasped.

                The man's face was a mess of cuts and marks, but the thing that stood out the most was a set of three wide, white scars that started at his hairline, ran down over his left eye, and stopped at his jawbone.  Remus recoiled when he realized that the man's left eye socket was empty.

                "Let's go," Diana was pulling at Remus's hand, "We've got to be outside before the moon rises."

                Remus remained rooted to his spot as the man in the chair stood up.  He was tall – probably close to two meters – and extremely muscular in a streamlined, sinuous sort of way.  He caught Remus looking at him and smiled maliciously.

                "What about it, little wolf?" he said softly, "Ready to run with the big boys?"

                Diana began to tug on Remus's hand more urgently.

                "Ignore him!" she whispered, "Let's go; the moon is rising!"

                This snapped Remus out of whatever trance he'd been in, and he saw that everyone in the room was moving purposefully out the back door.  The light outside was growing brighter.  Diana made a dash for the door, and Remus followed, feeling the sudden sense of urgency among the group.

                They emerged on a flat, wooden deck that protruded from the back of the house.  Remus looked around and saw that everyone had stripped off their clothes and that they were now sitting naked in a circle a little way into the woods, waiting.  He heard a sound and looked over to find Diana unzipping her dress.

                "Well, go on!" she exclaimed when she saw him looking, "You don't want to transform in your clothes, do you?"

                "Er, right," Remus muttered, and began to undress.  He knew that the best way for a werewolf to transform was in the nude.  One, it avoided all the cliché "breaking out of your clothes" nonsense; and two, you had something to wear once you were human again.  If you didn't take you clothes off before transforming, it could be extremely embarrassing to change back into a human and have to remain naked until you could hunt down a new outfit.

                But the sight of an entire group of werewolves, sitting naked under the sky, waiting to transform, was...odd.  And seeing Diana in nothing but her skin made Remus shiver.  Diana mistook the reaction and laughed.

                "I know it's cold, but you'll have fur soon enough," she said lightly, "Come on!"

                Remus followed her to the circle and sat down awkwardly, feeling exposed in the presence of so many other people.  Diana, on the other hand, seemed completely comfortable.  She was sitting with her face turned to the sky, smiling slightly, and just waiting.

                And then...the moon rose.  The snowy trees glowed as its silver light bathed the landscape.

                Remus felt a telltale tingling at the base of his spine that always signaled a transformation.  He shut his eyes as his limbs began to tremble.  As he felt himself change, he was aware that everyone around him was changing, too.

                The sound was terrible.  There were screams, growls, cracking noises, and, eventually, howls.  Just before Remus felt his mind succumb to wolfishness, he heard the loudest howl of all: deep, throaty, and commanding.  He immediately thought of the man in the chair and wondered just what kind of position he held in the pack.

                A group howl went up as the moon sank.  The pack cycled back towards the house, panting.  Soon, the silver light left the world and the sounds of nearly three dozen werewolves transforming rent the air.

                Remus shook out his hair and stretched.  He felt invigorated, alive, and – he hardly dared to think it – happy.  He made his way to the deck and started pulling his clothes on.  Diana appeared out of the group a moment later.

                "Do you have time for a drink?" she asked as she slipped back into her dress. 

                Remus shrugged.  "Sure."

                Eventually, everyone made their way back inside and sat around the fire.  Someone disappeared into another part of the house and came back with a crate of butterbeer.  Remus accepted a bottle and took a slow swig, still savoring the experience of the night.

                "So," Diana said, seating herself next to Remus, "What did you think?"

                "Hmm?" Remus snapped back to reality, "Oh...Diana, it was easily one of the best nights of my life."

                Diana smiled and said no more.  Remus turned his gaze to the fire, watching the flames leap and crackle.  He wasn't quite sure what he'd been expecting when he'd come to the pack meeting, but what he'd experienced was better than anything he could have imagined.  Running over the snow on such a beautiful night with an entire group whose members were just like him...it gave him a feeling of fullness and camaraderie that he hadn't felt since the early days of the Marauders.  And coming back uninjured and feeling refreshed instead of depressed was an entirely new experience.

                Mary and Joel came over and sat near Diana.

                "What a beautiful night!" Mary exclaimed, bringing Remus out of his thoughts.

                "It was certainly a good night to run," Joel agreed.  Diana nodded.

                "I missed this while I was away," she said.

                "And how about you, Remus?" Mary asked, smiling, "Did you enjoy yourself?"

                Remus was feeling relaxed now, and he didn't hesitate to babble a little about how much he'd enjoyed himself.  Mary and Joel listened intently, and laughed whenever Remus got particularly excited.

                "Well, I'm glad you had a good time," Mary said when he'd finished.  They sat for a while longer, chatting and finishing their drinks.  Suddenly, a clock struck four somewhere in the house, and people started Disapparating.

                "We'd better get going, too," Joel said, standing up, "It was good to talk to you, Remus."  He stuck out his hand and Remus shook it.

                "Good to meet you," he said, nodding to Mary, as well.  Mary smiled before linking arms with Joel.  Both of them Disapparated, leaving Remus alone in the rapidly emptying room.  He realized then that he didn't know where Diana had gone, and he wanted to at least say goodbye to her before he left.  He was about to head for the front door when he heard voices out on the deck.  One was Diana's, and the other was a man's, low and growling.  Remus recognized it instantly, and moved toward the door, intending to make sure that Diana was all right.

                "I don't care," he heard her say, "I asked you to wear an eye patch tonight."

                "And I told you I don't wear one on transformation nights," the man snapped.

                "That's crap, Tristan," Diana retorted, "I know you were trying to intimidate him, and I don't appreciate it after I invited him and tried to make him feel welcome here."

                "I'm just making sure he knows his place," growled Tristan.

                "Well, you've made your point.  The poor thing almost wet himself when he saw your face," Diana said reproachfully.

                "Good," Tristan chuckled nastily, "That'll teach that little Marked kid to stay in line."

                "I told you, I don't know if he's Marked," Diana sighed, "And he hasn't done anything to you."

                "And I aim to see that it stays that way," said Tristan.

                "You just leave him alone, and everything will be fine," Diana said firmly.

                Remus's curiosity had gotten the better of him and he was peering out the window, watching Diana and Tristan argue, ready to jump in if things got out of hand.

                "I'll leave him alone if he leaves you alone," Tristan hissed.  He suddenly leaned down and kissed Diana roughly.  Remus bit his lip to keep from gasping and started to fumble with the doorknob.  Before he got the door open, however, there was a pop, and Tristan disappeared.  Remus went out onto the deck anyway, and found Diana wiping her mouth in disgust.

                "That dirty bastard," she muttered.

                "What was that all about?" Remus wanted to know.  Diana looked up, startled.

                "How much of that did you hear?" she asked, sounding concerned.

                "Enough," Remus replied, "Look, are you okay?"

                "Yes, I'm fine," Diana nodded, "I can handle Tristan."

                Remus said nothing.  He'd noticed how well Diana had stood her ground during the argument, but he wasn't quite sure how she'd managed to do it, and he didn't feel that he knew her well enough to ask many questions.  However, there was one thing that confused him.

                "What does 'Marked' mean?" he asked.  Diana sighed as if she had been expecting the question and didn't want to answer it.

                "It means...well, how did you become a werewolf?" she said, pushing a stray hair out of her face.

                "The usual way, of course," Remus answered, wondering why she'd asked, "I was bitten as a child."

                "Oh," Diana sounded somehow disappointed, "I'm sorry it had to happen that way."

                "What other 'way' is there?" Remus asked, now thoroughly confused.

                "I...I can't explain it right now," Diana replied slowly, "Maybe someday, but not now."

                They both lapsed into silence.  Remus wanted to ask more, but he could tell that Diana was shaken from her encounter with Tristan, and he didn't want to push her.  But suddenly, she said,

                "I think it would be best if you only came one night a month for a while."

                "What?  Why?" Remus was caught off-guard.  Diana sighed.

                "Tristan...doesn't like new people," she said quietly.  Remus had guessed as much, but he had to ask,

                "Why not?"

                "Well, in case you didn't notice, Tristan's the oldest one in the pack," Diana explained, "And the last time we had a new member, he...he challenged Tristan, and things got pretty nasty."

                Something clicked in Remus's brain.

                "Is that how Tristan lost his eye?" he asked, suddenly understanding his earlier encounter with the man.  Diana nodded.

                "It happened while I was away," she said, "I had no idea what had gone on until Joel told me.  So just...be careful around Tristan, all right?"

                "I will," Remus promised.  Diana smiled.

                "Thank you," she whispered before turning and disappearing with a pop.


	4. Later Spring, 1980

Chapter 4 – Late Spring, 1980 

                Remus looked up from his book and sighed.  He couldn't concentrate.  He kept thinking about the pack.

                He'd run with them three times now, each time different from the one before it.  He was meeting more people, and he enjoyed their company, but...there was something off somewhere, an element that didn't sit well.  Remus couldn't quite put his finger on what it was, and he was tempted to dismiss it given his overall positive experience with the pack.  On the other hand, he had to wonder: was the problem with the pack, or with him?  Had he spent so much time alone, wallowing in self-pity, that he'd forgotten some essential part of himself?  Or was there even a problem at all?

                Remus shook his head.  Worrying wasn't going to help anything.  He knew that he had to relax and roll with the new feelings that he was having as a result of running with a pack.

                Then there was the matter of Diana.  Remus had grown to like her quite a lot over the past few months, and he wanted to spend time with her outside of pack meetings, but he was finding himself tongue-tied every time he attempted to ask her on a date.  Part of the problem was that he'd never dated before.  It wouldn't have worked, really.  Eventually, the truth about what he was would have to come out, and that was never a comforting thought to have when starting a relationship.

                But Diana knew what Remus was, and she was the same, so, in that respect, a major barrier was removed.  However, Remus was still rather shy, and he was beginning to become so desperate to overcome it that he had nearly asked Sirius for advice a couple of times.

                "Hey, Moony!"

                Speaking of Sirius...

                "What?"

                "Are you asleep or something?  We're supposed to be over to see Lily and James in ten minutes!" Sirius sounded impatient.

                "Shit," Remus muttered.  Louder, he said, "I'll be ready in a minute!"

                Of course, what with all his worrying, he'd forgotten that Lily and James had insisted that he and Sirius go to their place for dinner.  Remus laid aside his book and grabbed his hairbrush, intending to make himself at least remotely presentable.

                He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and sighed.  No dice; he was in dire need of a haircut.  Or maybe he could just let his hair grow, like Sirius's.  What the hell.  He tossed the hairbrush aside and headed downstairs.

                Lily and James were in high spirits.  They already had dinner laid out on the table when Remus and Sirius arrived, and they wanted to know everything that had been going on.  Remus smiled to himself; it was good to see James so happy.  And Lily, despite being very obviously six months pregnant, seemed to be getting along well.  However, Remus's mind was still elsewhere, and he didn't hear most of the conversation.  In fact, he didn't pay much attention at all until he felt everyone looking at him.

                "What?" he asked in confusion, stopping with his fork halfway to his mouth.  Sirius laughed.

                "You're in outer space today, Moony," he commented, "What's eating you?"

                Remus put down his fork and sighed.  He knew that he had to say something eventually, or he'd be preoccupied forever.  He turned to James.

                "Prongs, you're married," he said conversationally, "So...if I like a girl, how do I ask her out without screwing up?"

                James's eyes widened in surprise, and Lily broke into a wide smile.

                "You met a girl?" they asked at the same time, James in disbelief and Lily in delight.

                "You want to ask Diana out?" Sirius said, "Why didn't you say something?"

                "I just did," Remus replied with a bit of a grin, "But no offense, Padfoot, your love advice tends to be, well..."

                "Disastrous," James finished.

                "Exactly," Remus nodded.  Sirius gave both of them the two-fingered salute and they laughed.

                "Seriously, though, Moony," said James, composing himself, "You want to date a girl, just ask her out.  If she wants to go out with you, then you can't really screw up."

                "Be persistent," Lily added, "It will work out if she's the right person."

                "Where'd you meet her, anyway?" James wanted to know.

                "Diagon Alley," Remus replied, but offered nothing further.

                "Yeah, she's cute, and she's a –" Sirius broke off when Remus kicked him under the table.  Somehow, Remus felt that it wasn't the time to tell James about the pack yet.  James could be as overprotective as Sirius, and right now he had his own concerns.  So Remus turned to discussion to other things, and dinner continued.

                "Padfoot, have you got a tie or something?" Remus called as he rummaged frantically through his wardrobe.

                "A tie?  You look like a twerp in a tie!" Sirius called back.

                "Oh, thanks.  Maybe you have a better idea?"

                "Yeah," Sirius said, appearing at the door, "Calm down a bit."  He laughed.  "It's just a date."

                "_Just _a date?" Remus exclaimed, grasping Sirius's shoulders, "Maybe it's 'just a date' to you, Mr. Charisma, but for _me_ it's a _first _date.  As in, first date _ever_.  And, in case you didn't notice, I'm a little stressed out here!"

                Sirius surveyed Remus, and then the room, with a critical eye.  Remus had only gotten as far as choosing a pair of pants, and was standing shirtless, looking desperate.  The wardrobe behind him was flung open and his small collection of clothing was strewn on the floor around it.  Sirius carefully extracted himself from Remus and went over to inspect the mess.

                "Is everything you own brown?" he said finally, poking a shirt with the toe of his shoe.

                "No, there's some black and some white and..." Remus trailed off as realization dawned, "You think I'm boring as hell, don't you?"

                "No, I don't," Sirius shook his head, "But it's not me you're going out with."  He sifted through the pile of clothes for a moment, then brightened up.

                "Now this might work, " he said, shoving a handful of clothes at Remus, "Try that on, and we'll see."

                Remus raised an eyebrow and looked at what Sirius had handed him.

                "This shirt has ruffles," he said in disbelief, "Is this stuff even mine?"

                "Who cares?" Sirius exclaimed, "All that matters is that you make a good impression when you Apparate outside Diana's door."

                Remus was uncertain, but he knew that he'd be poking through the wardrobe for hours if he didn't at least try Sirius's suggestion.  He pulled on the shirt and jacket and inspected himself in the mirror.

                "Well," he said, surprised that he actually looked rather good, "This could work."  Sirius clapped him on the shoulder.

                "What'd I tell you?" he chuckled, "Not all of my dating advice sucks."

                Remus had to laugh at this.  "Thanks, Padfoot."

                "No problem.  Now go have a good time," Sirius grinned.  Remus looked at the clock; he hadn't realized that it was already time to pick Diana up.  He took a deep breath to steady himself before closing his eyes and Disapparating.

                He reappeared on the porch outside a modest house on the outskirts of Hogsmede.  In the distance he could hear the bustle of the town, but close by, he could hear his own heart beating.

                The good news was that James's advice had worked: Remus had asked Diana out after the most recent full moon, and she'd said yes.  The bad news was that James's advice had worked, and Remus was now standing on Diana's doorstep, practically shaking in his shoes.

                He knew that, logically, he had no real reason to be nervous; after all, it was barely a date, just an afternoon walk around Hogsmede and maybe a stop at the Three Broomsticks for a drink.  But he wanted to get off on the right foot, and the universal problem of first dates everywhere was that stupid things tended to queue up to be said.  However, Remus had known Diana for a while, and he figured that, if he was going to say anything stupid, he'd probably already said it at some point.  He took another deep breath and knocked on the door.

                Diana answered a moment later, looking stunning, as usual.  She seemed to have an affinity for elaborate dresses, and this time she was wearing a green one with black lace at the sleeves and neckline.  Remus struggled to find his voice.

                "Er, hello Diana," he managed at last, "You look...spectacular."

                Diana laughed in her light, musical way.

                "Thanks you.  You look pretty good yourself," she said with a smile, "Just let me get my cloak and we'll go."

                She disappeared inside momentarily and returned with a light cloak wrapped around her shoulders.  Remus marveled at the fact that it matched her dress, both in style and in flair.  Then he remembered his manners and offered her a hand as she descended the porch steps.

                The two of them walked towards Hogsmede in silence for a while, Remus trying once and for all to take in the fact that he was actually on a date.  Diana was the one to break the silence.

                "I'm glad you've been enjoying yourself at the pack meetings," she said.

                "And I'm glad you told me about them," Remus replied.  Diana smiled.

                "They're important," she said, "There aren't many places where people like us can be accepted."

                "Tell me about it," Remus sighed, a bit more cynically than he'd intended.  Diana looked at him curiously.

                "I take it you've had it rough in life?" she asked.  Remus laughed shortly.

                "That's one way of putting it," he said, "It could have been worse, but it certainly wasn't good."

                Diana considered this as they entered town and passed the first few shops.

                "What about your friend?" she said eventually, "Sirius, was it?  He's an Animagus, isn't he?"

                Remus looked at her in surprise.  "How did you know that?"

                Diana shrugged.  "I could just tell.  It's in the way he carries himself."

                "Oh," Remus thought about this, "I guess it is, kind of.  But it doesn't really help all the time.  He likes having a transformation, so I don't think he really understands."

                "Well, that's what the pack is for," Diana said, "To understand, and to be there for each other."

                Remus nodded.  He'd seen very clearly how tightly knit the pack was even in the short time he'd been running with them.  However, they weren't _so _tight as to be exclusive, and he appreciated the friendship that had been extended to him by people like Diana, Mary, and Joel.

                Shortly, the two of them came to the Three Broomsticks and went inside.  The crowd wasn't too bad, as it was the middle of the afternoon, and it was dim and pleasant.  They sat at a table in the corner and Diana took off her cloak.

                "Shall we get drinks, or just sit for a while?" she asked.

                "I'll get us some butterbeer, if you'd like," Remus replied.

                "That would be nice," Diana nodded.  Remus got up and disappeared into the gloom.  He returned a moment later with two mugs of butterbeer.  Diana took hers and raised it.

                "To acceptance," she said with a smile.

                "Amen to that," Remus laughed.  They clinked glasses and drank, both feeling comfortable and happy.  After a while, Diana said,

                "Do you have any plans?"

                "For what?" Remus asked.

                "Your life.  The future," Diana replied.  Remus was a bit surprised at the question.

                "Well...no, not really," he admitted, embarrassed, "I guess I'll have to do something...I can't live with Sirius forever."  Diana laughed.

                "But?" she prompted, "I can tell there's more to it."

                "Not hard to guess, really," said Remus, "Where can I get work?  People aren't bound to be particularly excited about hiring someone like me."

                "I see," Diana said slowly, "Tell me, what do you think of when you're running with the pack?"

                "What does that have to do with –"

                "Just...humor me," Diana requested with a soft smile, "Please."  Remus had no idea what she was getting at, but he answered the question anyway.

                "I think of how great it feels, of how free I am, and of how everyone already knows _what _I am, so I don't have to hide anything," he said, "And I think that, if I could be as free to be myself in everyday life as I am with the pack, things would be so much easier.  I'm actually comfortable when we're running.  I actually like who I am, and can stop beating up on myself for once."

                "And that's my point," said Diana with a nod.  She set down her mug and looked Remus in the eye.  "You don't have to be worried about your life.  You don't have to hate yourself.  You can be proud of who – and what – you are.  You'll always have the pack to turn to; they'll understand you."

                "Yeah, but what about everyone else?" Remus couldn't help asking.

                "We know that we're not bad people," Diana replied, "And, sooner or later, everyone else will realize that, too."  She smiled, and Remus stared at her in wonder.

                "How did you get so perfect?" he sighed, then blushed when he realized he'd said it out loud, "Er, I mean..."

                But Diana looked amused.

                "I'm far from perfect," she laughed, "But what did you mean, exactly?"

                Remus cleared his throat and tried to compose himself.

                "You're just so...well, so calm about everything," he said slowly, "You seem so sure of yourself all the time.  I have to admit that I envy that."

                "Well, it comes and goes," Diana said, and Remus thought he saw a flicker of sadness cross her face.

                "What do you mean?" he asked.  Diana laughed again, a little darkly.

                "Nobody can be calm all the time," was all she said before lapsing into silence.  They both spent the rest of their time in the Three Broomsticks staring out the window and finishing their butterbeer.  Remus worried that he might have struck some sort of nerve with Diana when her silence continued on their walk around Hogsmede.  He finally felt compelled to say,

                "I'm sorry."

                Diana looked surprised.  "For what?"

                "For upsetting you."

                "Oh, I'm not upset," Diana shook her head, "I'm just thinking."

                Remus left it at that.  If Diana was thinking, then she'd talk when she was ready, and he didn't want to bother her.  However, he was beginning to feel a little weird just walking next to Diana in silence.  On an impulse, he reached down and took her hand.  It was smooth and warm, and she let him continue to hold it without protest.  Suddenly he felt as if they weren't just walking in silence, but sharing the silence, as if it were a tangible thing.  He wondered briefly if that was silly, but the experience was too comfortable to mar with doubt.

                Eventually, they made their way back to Diana's house.  It was nearly dusk when they got there, and Remus felt a bit sad at the thought of their date coming to an end.  They were nearly to the porch when Diana spoke.

                "Thank you for taking me out," she said, "I had a very good time."

                "The pleasure was mine," Remus replied, feeling relieved that he'd apparently gotten the dating thing right the first time around.  He offered Diana his hand again and helped her up the porch steps.

                At the door, Diana paused and, to Remus's complete surprise, turned and kissed him briefly on the lips.

                "Maybe we can do this again sometime," she whispered before opening the door and disappearing inside the house.


	5. Summer & Fall, 1980

Chapter 5 – Summer & Fall, 1980 July 31st 

                Sirius and Remus were sitting in the kitchen, drinking tea and generally relaxing.  Remus looked up from his book when something hit the window with a resounding _thunk_.

                "What was that?"

                "Don't know," said Sirius, getting up and peering out the window, "Hey, looked like an express owl."

                "An express owl?  Who'd be sending us an express owl?" Remus wondered.

                "I'll go find out," Sirius replied, heading outside.  He returned a moment later with a letter.

                "The owl flew away as soon as I took the envelope," he said in response to Remus's questioning look, "Speedy little bugger, too."

                "Yeah, but who's it from?" Remus asked impatiently, getting up.  He took the envelope from Sirius and opened it.

                "Hey!" Sirius exclaimed.  He had to settle for reading over Remus's shoulder.

                The letter was from James, apparently written rather hastily; ink blots and smears dotted the page, but it was still legible:

_Moony & Padfoot –_

_                Lily had the baby!  It's a boy, we named him Harold James Potter, and he's _perfect_!  We'll be bringing him home soon, so you'll have to come see him!  Gotta go, Lily needs me._

_                                                                                                                                                 – Prongs_

_P.S. We'd have to talk about it more, but how do you feel about being a godfather, Padfoot?_

                "Wow, Prongs is a father!" Sirius exclaimed, directly into Remus's ear.

                "Yes, and he's obviously gone temporarily insane to ask _you_ to be the godfather of his son!" Remus joked, trying not to wince.

                "Oh, just because you're jealous," Sirius grinned.

                "I am not!"

                "Whatever you say, Moony.  In any case, I'm sure Prongs'll be screaming for help before the week's out," Sirius chuckled.

                "And you'll be over there all the time, spoiling the kid rotten."  Remus gave Sirius a playful jab in the ribs.

                "Oh, you know you will, too," Sirius returned, "God, listen to us.  It's not even our kid and we're still going nuts."

                Remus laughed.  "It's exciting."

                "Yeah, and weird," said Sirius, shaking his head, "Prongs, a father.  What next?"

                "What next" turned out to be a visit to Lily and James about a week later.  Both of them were tired, but happy, and they were more than willing to let Sirius and Remus hold the baby and babble on about how cute he was.

                "He's got your nose, Prongs," said Sirius.

                "And he's got Lily's eyes," James pointed out.

                "He's so perfect," Lily smiled.

                "Except when he needs a diaper change, I'm sure," Sirius joked.  James laughed.

                "Our little Harry is perfect all the time, right honey?" he said, putting an arm around Lily's shoulders.  Lily laughed, as well.

                "He is," she agreed.

                "Now Padfoot," James said, turning to Sirius, "What do you say to being Harry's godfather?"

                "What do you think I'm gonna say, no?" Sirius grinned, "I'd be an honor, Prongs."

                "I think you're crazy to ask him," Remus chimed in playfully, "You know what he's like; what kind of role model is that for an impressionable kid?"

                Everyone laughed at this.  Sirius's wild, slightly irresponsible nature was no secret.

                "I'm sure he'll turn out all right," James said.

                "If he's anything like his father, he'll be a hell of a lot better than 'all right'," Sirius said, clapping James on the shoulder.

                "Too true," Remus agreed, "And Prongs, if either of you ever need anything, just let us know."

                "Thanks, Moony," James smiled, "Speaking of needing things, you need a title.  If Padfoot's gonna be godfather, you could be...'Uncle Remus'?"  Remus laughed.

                "Oh no," he said, shaking his head, "'Uncle Moony' I could probably deal with, but other than that, he can just call me 'Remus'."

                "It's a deal," James chuckled, "Now come on, let's have some dinner."

_September_

                Remus stood in front of the wardrobe, staring at his clothes, and realized something.  He was happy.  Not only was he happy right at that moment, but he had been consistently happy for several months now.

                There was no reason not to be, really.  James and Lily were enthusiastic about both Remus and Sirius having a big part in Harry's life, so they'd been over there visiting quite a lot.  In addition, Remus had been running with the pack for a good six months now, and he had a girlfriend.  That bit wasn't official, of course, but he had been seeing Diana quite a bit outside of pack meetings, and he got the impression that she wanted it to continue just as much as he did.

                As a matter of fact, the two of them were going to Diagon Alley that afternoon to walk, shop, and have a quiet meal.  Remus was looking forward to it, but, as usual, was having trouble deciding what to wear.  He knew he could never match Diana's elegance, but he at least wanted to look nice.  He eventually settled for something simple before Disapparating to go pick Diana up.

                The date was pretty much normal.  Remus and Diana walked together, holding hands, and occasionally going into a shop to browse.  They talked about life in general and eventually ended up at the Leaky Cauldron when they started feeling hungry.  It was there that Diana asked a rather strange question.

                "You haven't been having any trouble with Tristan at pack meetings, have you?" she wanted to know.  Remus shook his head.

                "He hasn't said a word to me since I first came," he replied.

                "Hmm," Diana sounded worried, "I wonder if that's a good thing."

                "Why wouldn't it be?" Remus asked.

                "I'm afraid he might be keeping an eye on you," Diana said quietly.  Remus was tempted to make a comment about the state of Tristan's face, but he refrained, if only because Diana sounded truly concerned.

                "And should I be 'keeping an eye on' him?" he inquired.  Diana sighed.

                "I would, if I were you," she replied, "He gets pretty weird sometimes."

                Her tone worried Remus.  "I'm not in any kind of danger, am I?"

                "Not unless you bother him, no," Diana shook her head, "I just want to make sure that you know he's a bit temperamental."

                Remus nodded.  He didn't need to get anywhere near Tristan to know that the man was a force to be reckoned with.  His height alone was intimidating.  Add to that his scarred face and obvious muscle power and it was no wonder that most of the pack gave him a wide berth.  Remus recalled what Diana had told him at the first pack meeting he'd been to and wondered how anyone could be stupid enough to challenge a man like Tristan.

                He tried to put the thoughts of Tristan out of his mind as he and Diana ate.  There was something else he'd been thinking about, and he wanted to consider it seriously before he said anything.  He really liked Diana, and the more time he spent with her, the more he realized just how amazing she was.  She was elegant, strong, mature, and – of course – extremely pretty.  Remus had never seen her lose her temper, and she was always very good to him.  He liked to think that she cared about him the same way he cared about her, but there was only one way to find out.  He cleared his throat.

                "Um, Diana," he said, trying to keep his voice from shaking, "I wanted to ask you something."

                Diana looked up.  "Yes?"

                "Well, er, we've been seeing each other a lot and I, er, was just wondering if," Remus swallowed, "If you consider our relationship a serious one."

                Diana was silent for a moment, and Remus could only hope he hadn't somehow offended her.  He wasn't sure if he was moving things along too fast or being too forward, or one of those things women occasionally got technical about.  He held his breath when Diana finally spoke.

                "Well, Remus, I do enjoy spending time with you," she said slowly, "And I'd like to keep seeing you.  So I suppose you could say that we're officially in a relationship."

                She smiled, and Remus suddenly felt as if a wall was breaking down between them.  Whatever it was that made him so nervous before every date began to disappear, leaving him feeling strangely light and free.  Diana seemed to feel it, too, and she took Remus's hand and led him out the back door.

                They stood for a moment by the wall, ignoring the people going into Diagon Alley and just breathing in the cool autumn air.  Diana sighed happily.

                "Thank you, Remus," she whispered.

                "For what?" Remus asked in surprise.

                "For giving me something I've never been able to have before," Diana replied.  Remus looked at her for a moment.

                "I guess I have to thank you for the same thing," he said eventually, then kissed her.

                He didn't really mean for it to be more than a romantic kiss under the sky, but before he knew it, he and Diana were tucked in a corner, making out.  People were probably staring at them, but they didn't notice or care until a growling voice said,

                "Get your filthy Marked paws off her."

                Diana broke away with a gasp and looked up.  Remus followed her gaze and found that Tristan was standing a short distance away, looking murderous.

                "Tristan, what are you doing here?" Diana demanded, standing up.  Remus scrambled to his feet next to her, although he wasn't sure if he'd be able to protect her if the need arose.

                Tristan took a few steps forward, visibly shaking with anger.

                "What are _you_ doing here?" he shot back, "With him?  With this _kid_...this _scum_..."

                "We are on a date," Diana answered calmly, standing her ground despite the fact that Tristan was continuing to advance.  Remus winced, entirely sure that was the wrong answer.

                "A _date_?" Tristan spat, "Honestly, Diana, don't you think you could do better for yourself?"

                "Hey, leave her alone!" Remus exclaimed, moving to stand in front of Diana.  His heart was pounding so fast that he was afraid he might pass out.  Tristan glared at him.

                "Did you say something to me, kid?" he asked softly, taking another step forward, "Because if you did, it could be _very_ bad for you."

                Remus gulped and fumbled for his wand, but Tristan was faster and soon had one massive hand closed around Remus's throat.

                Suddenly, Diana was in front of Remus.  Her hand moved so quickly that it was a blur, and Tristan found himself with a wand jammed into his windpipe.

                "Let him go," Diana's voice was low and dangerous.

                "Really, Diana, I'm surprised at –" Tristan began, but Diana cut him off.

                "Let him go _now_, or I swear to God I'll kill you," she hissed, "Or something worse."

                Tristan stared at her for a moment, then slowly relaxed his grip.  Remus fell to the cobbles, choking and gasping for breath.

                "Now get out of here," Diana ordered, "Don't you _dare_ come near him again, Tristan."

                Tristan said nothing.  He backed away from the wand, and then turned and went into Diagon Alley without a backward glance.  Diana kept her wand raised until he was out of sight.  As soon as he was, however, she put it away and sank to the ground, shaking.

                "Are you all right?" she asked Remus, who had gotten his breath back and managed to sit up.  He nodded slowly.

                "I think so.  Are you?"

                "I'm fine," Diana said, rubbing her arms as if she were cold, "I'd be better if I didn't have to keep worrying about him."

                A thought crossed Remus's mind.

                "You two weren't...involved, were you?" he asked, suddenly worried.  The very thought made him sick, but he couldn't help but remember the time he'd seen Tristan kiss Diana.  And, it seemed to him, Tristan was often hovering over Diana, and when he wasn't, she worried that he soon would be.  She seemed to know him pretty well.

                But Diana was shaking her head.

                "Hell no," she said, surprising Remus a bit, "He's fifteen years older than me and he's a complete jerk."

                "Then why is he always bothering you?" Remus knew that he probably shouldn't push the subject, but he had to make sure he understood what was going on.

                "He thinks he owns me or something," Diana shuddered, "I don't know where he got the idea that he has to protect me from myself, but I wish he'd stop.  I'm sick of worrying about when he'll show up next."

                Remus gently put an arm around Diana's shoulders.

                "You seem to have the upper hand," he said, intending it as a compliment.  Diana laughed shortly.

                "Only because he knows I have better control with a wand than he does," she replied, "He may look big and strong, but he's well aware that I could blow his face off before he could even figure out which end of a wand is which."

                _And yet he still scares the life out of you_, Remus thought, feeling that Diana was still shaking.  He stroked her arm soothingly until she was calm enough to stand back up.  Then he helped her to her feet and gave her a hug.

                "Had enough for one day?" he asked.  Diana nodded.

                "Yes.  Let's get out of here."

                They Apparated back to Diana's house, but Remus was hesitant to leave her at the door.  She seemed fine, but after seeing her so shaken, he couldn't help but worry.

                "Are you sure you'll be okay?" he asked as she opened the door.  Diana smiled wanly.

                "As 'okay' as is possible," she replied.  Remus nodded, and reluctantly turned to leave.

                "Oh, and Remus?"

                "Hmm?" Remus said, turning back.  Diana reached out and caressed his cheek.

                "Thank you," she whispered.


	6. Spring, 1981

**Chapter 6 – Spring, 1981**

_March_

                "Wormtail's coming home!" Sirius announced, coming inside and tossing a letter on the table.

                "Really?  When?" Remus asked as he reached for the envelope.

                "May," Sirius replied, sitting down.  Remus read the letter over and laughed.

                "Well, that ought to be something," he said, "It's been what, two years since he left?"

                "Something like that," Sirius nodded, "Man, all of us home again.  We'll have to see if we can pry Prongs away from his family long enough to have at least one night out."

                Remus chuckled.  "It's a nice thought, but I wouldn't count on it.  Anyway, don't you remember what happened the last time you got Wormtail drunk?"

                "Did I say there would be drinking?" Sirius exclaimed, mocking offense.  Remus just shook his head.  He knew what Sirius meant when he said "a night out", although he couldn't argue that it might be nice.  It had been so long since the Marauders had last done something together; it was high time they went out, just the four of them.

                On the other hand, there could be another meaning to Sirius's words, and Remus wasn't quite sure what he'd do if the "night out" turned into a moonlight run for old time's sake.  After all, he'd been running with the pack for nearly a year now.  He looked forward to their monthly meetings, and they expected him to be there.  He was unsure who it would be harder to say no to if the Marauders did regroup, however briefly.

                Remus sighed inwardly and found himself fingering the ring on the middle finger of his left hand.  He looked down at it.  It was silvery in color and was shaped like the head of a howling wolf, with a small red stone for the eye.  Diana had given it to him back around Christmas.

                "It's a symbol of the pack," she's said, "We all have something like it.  It reminds us that we have each other, and that we're not alone."

                She'd shown Remus the ring that she wore, a delicate band with a moon and star embossed on it.  He'd seen it before, obviously, but now that he knew what it meant, there was somehow a deeper connection between him and the pack than there had ever been before.

                "It's full moon tonight," he found himself saying.

                "Hmm?" Sirius looked up from making tea, "Oh yeah, it is."

                Remus almost smiled at his friend's reaction.  It was amazing the levity with which Sirius handled full moon these days.  After all, what did he have to worry about?  Remus went off to a pack meeting one night, and they still got to run together the next.  And, although Sirius had never said anything, it was obvious that he was happy that Remus regularly returned from pack meetings unharmed.  Overall, things regarding full moon had been a lot less stressful since Remus had joined the pack the year before.

                As for Remus himself, he   He'd been happy, both with the pack and with Diana, for months, and he was finally beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, being a werewolf wasn't so bad.

                Sirius sat down with the tea and gestured towards the letter from Peter.

                "Did you see that Wormtail wants to come back and live here?" he asked.

                Remus nodded.  "Are you okay with that?"

                "Of course!" Sirius exclaimed, "Aren't you?"

                "As long as he keeps his Divination stuff in his room, yes," Remus chuckled, "I don't want to be stubbing my toes on any crystal balls."

                Sirius laughed.  "It'll be interesting to see how well he's developed his 'inner eye'."

                "If he even has one," Remus pointed out, "Sometimes I think he went chasing after a load of rubbish."

                "Eh, whatever makes him happy," Sirius shrugged, "And, rubbish or not, he's been at it for two years, so he must be learning _something_."

                "True," Remus agreed, "Either way, it'll be good to see him again."

                "We have a lot to catch up on," Sirius said, sounding a little nostalgic.  Remus just nodded again, then looked at the clock.  In a couple of hours, he'd be out with the pack.

                The night was particularly fine and the pack ran for a long time.  When the moon finally set, they were all worn out despite the exhilaration that came with the run.  Remus collapsed onto a couch next to Diana once they were back inside.  Mary and Joel soon joined them.

                "I hope I've got enough energy for tomorrow night," Joel commented with a laugh.

                "You'd better," Mary grinned, "The moon waits for no one."

                Joel laughed again and turned to Remus.

                "You've been running with us for about a year," he said, "Why don't you ever come to the second night?"

                Remus shrugged and glanced at Diana.

                "I don't see why you couldn't," she said in response to the look.  Remus had gotten pretty used to only attending pack meetings one night a month, but he had to admit it had been quite a while since he'd been bothered by Tristan during a meeting.  And if Diana thought it was safe, he trusted that.

                "You ought to come tomorrow," Mary said, "The second night is always particularly nice in the spring."

                "I'll have to find a way to explain it to Sirius, but I'll definitely try," Remus replied.  Joel chuckled.

                "I'm sure he'll understand," he said.

                "I'd say invite him, too," Mary added.

                "But we'd eat him," they said together.  It was a ridiculous, werewolf-specific joke, but Remus found himself laughing anyway.  He'd found himself being overly comfortable with a lot of stupid things lately, but he put it down to being so happy.  He absently slipped his arm around Diana's shoulders and she leaned into the embrace.  Yes, he was most definitely happy.  And, he decided, he would come the next night, no matter what Sirius had to say.

                "They have two meetings?" Sirius asked in surprise when Remus talked to him later that morning.

                "Er, yes," Remus replied, "I thought I'd told you."

                Sirius shook his head.

                "Oh.  Well, I'm going tonight.  And probably twice next month," Remus explained.

                "That's cool," Sirius said, leaning back in his chair, "I'll just go out or something."

                Remus laughed.  "Just don't get _too_ drunk, all right?"

                "Aw, you spoil everything," Sirius grinned.

                And that was that.  Remus headed off to another pack meeting that night without incident.  It was pretty much the same as all the other meetings he'd been to, only the moon didn't last quite as long.  That wasn't so bad, really; it meant that Remus got to spend more time with Diana, provided that Tristan wasn't in the room.  Remus had never quite figured out the connection between the two of them, but he knew that he didn't want to make Tristan angry in any way.

                There was one rather strange conversation, however.  As usual, Remus, Diana, Mary, and Joel were sitting together in front of the fire, drinking butterbeer and talking.  Then Mary asked,

                "So, are you ready for next month?"  Remus assumed she was talking to him, so he opened his mouth to answer, but Diana beat him to it.

                "He's ready," she said, looking at Mary in a strangely intense way that Remus didn't understand.  Mary nodded knowingly.

                "It's a bit tiring in the springtime," she said, "That's the only reason I asked."

                "We'll be just fine, thank you," Diana nodded, and Remus felt her shoulders go tense under his arm.  He wanted to give her a comforting hug, but he didn't quite know why.  However, Tristan suddenly appeared out of the shadows, and Remus had to quickly make it look like he'd been keeping his hands to himself.  But instead of ignoring everyone as he usually did, Tristan came over and stood menacingly by the fireplace.

                "We've got a big night coming up," he rumbled, "You sure the little wolf's up for it?"

                Remus clenched his teeth to keep himself from retorting.  He wanted to say something like, "I can take on anything you can, bastard," but that would have been suicide.  So, as usual, it was Diana who tried to get Tristan to back off.

                "He's _fine_, Tristan," she snapped, huddling further down into her seat and clutching her butterbeer, "Now shut up and leave us alone."

                Tristan leaned forward and sneered.  The firelight caught his scarred face in an unpleasant way as he reached out and gripped Diana's chin.  He voice was nearly inaudible when he spoke next.

                "You have a big mouth for a girl your size," he growled, "And I'll be damned if I let you talk to me like that again."

                It was plain that Diana was scared to death, but she managed to meet Tristan's bone-chilling, one-eyed gaze and hold it.  For one horrible second, Remus thought she was going to spit in Tristan's face.

                "Let me go," she whispered finally.  Tristan held on to her a moment longer, then let her go with a small, but brutal, shove.  Diana gasped and slid off the couch.  Tristan left the room without another word, leaving everyone a bit stunned.

                Remus was the first to recover and he stood up so fast that he knocked several bottles of butterbeer flying.  As people scrambled to pick them up, he went over to Diana and gathered her shaking form into his arms.

                "I hate him," she whispered as sobs racked her body.

                "Shh.  I know," Remus soothed, "But it's okay.  He's gone."

                He held Diana, rocking her gently, until her sobs quieted.  But in the back of his mind, he couldn't help wondering why everyone was suddenly so fascinated with the next month's meeting.

_April_

                The thoughts were pushed completely out of Remus's mind over the course of the next few weeks.  A million things seemed to be happening at once: Sirius officially became Harry's godfather, Peter continued to send letters regarding his return home, and Remus found himself spending quite a bit of time with Diana.  It was almost as if she didn't want to be alone.  Remus couldn't blame her, really; after the most recent episode with Tristan, even he was feeling a little uneasy.

                So it came as no surprise to Remus that Diana asked him to pick her up before the pack meeting.  Fortunately, Tristan wasn't around when the two of them appeared, and he continued to be absent almost until the moon rose.  When he did show up, he brought a wave of anger and malcontent with him.  Obviously, he was upset about something, but nobody dared ask any questions.  Tristan growled and sneered at anyone who got near him, and throughout the night, Remus had the unpleasant feeling that the man was about to go for someone's throat.

                Despite the fact that it would probably upset Tristan even more, Remus stuck close to Diana, both while running and afterwards.  Diana refused to stay at the house for very long, and Remus ended up taking her home quite a bit earlier than usual.

                "Are you still okay with me coming tomorrow right?" he asked once they were on Diana's front porch.  Diana nodded.

                "I'm afraid I'm the one Tristan's keeping his eye on now," she said quietly.

                "Well, you know I'll do my best to watch out for you," Remus assured her, although he knew that wasn't promising very much.  Diana smiled nonetheless.

                "Thank you.  And don't worry about what the others were saying last month; you'll be fine."  Remus shook his head.

                "Completely slipped my mind," he said truthfully.

                "Good," Diana laughed a little, leaning forward to embrace Remus, "I'll see you tomorrow."

                "Going out tonight?" Remus asked as Sirius came downstairs, looking rather suave.

                "Yup," Sirius replied, sitting down and putting his feet up on the table.

                "You've got your hair pulled back," Remus noted, as it was something Sirius rarely did, "Got a date or something?" 

                Sirius shook his head.

                "But if things go well, who knows?" he said with a laugh.  Remus chuckled.

                "You sure know how to enjoy yourself, Padfoot.  Just – and I mean it this time – don't get too drunk.  I don't want to have to clean up after you like last month."

                "Yes, Mommy," Sirius whined with a wicked grin.  Remus rolled his eyes and got up.

                "I've gotta get going," he said, "See you in the morning."

                "Have a good time, Moony," Sirius nodded as Remus Disapparated.

                A few minutes later, he and Diana appeared in the front hall of the house.  They were a little early and were hoping to get some time to themselves before Tristan showed up.

                "If we're lucky, he'll be late again," Diana whispered, leaning against Remus and shivering a little.  Remus hugged her close and felt her racing heartbeat.  She seemed even more nervous than usual.  He kissed the top of her head in what he hoped was s soothing manner and rocked her a little, trying to calm whatever inner fears were haunting her now.

                There was a sudden pop, and Mary and Joel appeared in the hallway, severely startling both Remus and Diana.

                "Oh, sorry!" Mary exclaimed when she saw their expressions, "We didn't think anyone would be here yet."

                "We thought we'd stop by early and get the fire going," Joel added.  Remus nodded.

                "Right, good," he said weakly.  Diana sighed in relief and pulled out of the embrace.  However, Remus kept a hold of her hand as they followed Mary and Joel into the back room.

                When they opened the double doors, Mary and Joel stopped short.  Remus nearly ran into the back of them.  Diana looked over Mary's shoulder and groaned softly.  Remus managed to see past all three of them...and gasped.

                There was already a fire crackling in the fireplace, throwing strange shadows on the walls and illuminating the lithe form of Tristan.  He was sitting in a chair in front of the fire, completely naked, with his fingers steepled, staring into the flames.  Even his empty eye socket seemed to be staring with the disconcerting sort of patience that made everyone present want to back away, preferably to the next continent.

                A few more pops sounded in the hallway, but Tristan's gaze didn't waver.  People began to pile up behind Remus and Diana, and someone asked what was going on.

                "Tristan's...thinking," Diana said slowly.

                "Oh, that.  Can we get inside, please?  The moon's going to rise soon."

                This seemed to snap Mary and Joel out of their shock and they moved into the back room, followed by Remus, Diana, and the rest of the pack.  Tristan took no notice of any of them.

                "The least he could do is cover himself," Diana murmured angrily, "He has no sense of decency."

                Remus just nodded.  He was trying to keep one eye on Tristan at all times.  The man was radiating a strange feeling, a sort of power, that seemed to be putting everyone in the room on edge.  There was a definite feeling of restless rippling thought everyone assembled.  Nobody said a word as they filed outside, undressed, and waited for the moon to rise.  Tristan was the last one out.  He shut the door and sat down in the circle, very deliberately, across from Remus and Diana.  Remus averted his gaze but still watched Tristan from the corner of his eye.  The other man remained still.

                The moon rose.  Everyone changed.  The pack ran.

                It was exhilarating and exuberant, although Remus didn't have the human mind to describe it while he was running.  There were trees and trails, sights and smells, games and jests.  Around humans, werewolves were vicious creatures, but around each other they were like any other group of animals.

                Confusion rippled through Remus's mind as the pack circled back early.  Somewhere deep inside he knew that the moon wasn't due to set for quite a while yet.  But the wolf part of him was in control, and he followed the others back to a clearing near the house.

                A howl went up.  It was long and strangely pitched, and would have put Remus in mind of some sort of ritualistic chant had he been human.  And then something started to happen.  Without a sound, wolves began to pair off, male and female, each pair going to a central spot in the glade.  Remus suddenly noticed Diana beside him, and he trotted along behind her to where the others were, his wolfish mind tingling strangely.

                Another howl went up.  And then..._noise_.  Growls, yips, whines, and many other sounds rent the night air, creating a cacophony that would have been unbearable if there had been anyone around to hear it.  It went on for some time until, finally, sleep overcame the pack and the forest was silent once more.

                Remus's eyes opened, then immediately shut again in the face of the rising sun.  He felt confused.  He couldn't figure out why he was lying naked on what felt like grass, or why his back ached.  Or why bits of him that he couldn't recall ever having used also ached.  He leaned his head back and tried to let sleep take him again.

                Too late.  All the memories of the night were coming back, as they always did after a transformation, slowly and surely like a vivid dream.

                Only it wasn't a dream, and Remus couldn't believe what he was remembering.

                It had to have been a mating ritual.  That was the only thing that could explain the noise, the mass of writhing bodies, and the throbbing feeling in the bit of Remus's mind that held the werewolf part of him.

                A mating ritual.  That meant that he had...

                Remus pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes when that part hit him.  He tried to shut out the images of it, of what he had done without control or care, but it was a fruitless effort.  He felt like he was going to be sick.

                Finally, the images started to fade a little and Remus opened his eyes again.  All over the clearing, members of the pack were asleep, naked and looking sickeningly content.  And right next to Remus was Diana, sleeping peacefully as if she hadn't a care in the world, her skin glowing in the early light.

                As Remus watched her sleep, he felt himself becoming angry.  All the strange comments from the month before were starting to make sense.  Diana had obviously known what was going to happen, and she had purposely steered the conversations so that Remus didn't find out.  And by the time he _had _figured out what was going on, the human part of him wasn't around to make choices.  He'd been under the influence of the moon.

                Remus stood up, a red fire burning within him.  All he wanted now was to get away from this place.  He found his clothes and began pulling them on.  There was movement behind him, but he paid no attention until someone slipped their arms around his waist.

                "Good morning," said the voice of Diana.  Remus removed her hands and walked away from her with a grunt.  He didn't want to talk, and he _definitely_ didn't want to be touched.

                "Hey, what's wrong?" Diana asked, sounding bewildered.  She quickly got dressed and hurried after Remus as he stormed into the house.

                "Remus, come on, talk to me.  What's going on?"

                Remus turned around so fast that Diana took a step back.

                "Why the hell didn't you tell me?" he demanded, hearing the growl in his voice but not really caring.

                "What?" Diana gasped, shocked.

                "About this," Remus waved a hand towards the back door, "This...ritual.  This _orgy_."

                "Orgy?  Remus, this is a biannual mating ritual.  We do this all the time," Diana tried to explain.

                "And that's supposed to make me okay with it?" Remus snapped hotly.

                "I just figured you knew it was normal!" Diana exclaimed.  Remus started at her.

                "Normal?  Having basal sex with a random person is normal?" he said, "What happens if somebody gets pregnant, hmm?"

                "That's the point..." Diana trailed off.  A dark shadow came over Remus's face and he turned and stalked off in the direction of the bathroom.  Diana followed him desperately.

                "Remus, listen to me..."

                "Why should I?" Remus shouted, pausing at the bathroom door with his hand on the knob, "Do you have any idea what we were doing out there?  Has it even crossed your mind that there's a chance that, last night, some poor kid was created with one of the worse possible curses that life can throw at a person?"

                "Being born with it is a lot better than having it come on you suddenly!" Diana yelled back, then gasped when she realized what she'd said, "Oh Remus, I'm sorry..."

                Something clicked in Remus's brain and his eyes narrowed.

                "Marked," he said quietly, "That's what it means, isn't it?  A werewolf who was bitten and not born that way.  That's why Tristan hates me so much."

                "I didn't want to hurt you," Diana whispered, "That's why I never said anything."

                "Do you know how bloody shallow that is?" Remus exclaimed, "It's as bad as pureblood wizards who thing they're all that.  There's nothing good about being a werewolf, and yet you've attached some sort of value to being _born _as one.  You're willing to curse your children for life just so they'll be, what, a pure breed?"

                Diana stood speechless, opening and closing her mouth as if she intended to say something but didn't know quite what.  Remus went into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him.  He felt filthy, and he doubted he'd ever feel quite clean again, but he had to hope a shower would help somewhat.  Has he started running water, he heard Diana say,

                "_I_ was boring into this pack, Remus.  My parents were the senior members until they died a few years ago.  And we never put a value on breeding, just on...a good life."

                Remus didn't want to listen but Diana kept talking.

                "Face it, Remus, when you get bitten by a werewolf, it all comes on you so suddenly.  But I grew up in this pack and I got used to it.  Things became easier and I always knew that I had friends just like me.  And Mom and Dad treated everyone beautifully.  They just wanted us all to feel welcome, and to be sort of a family."

                Remus stuck his head out of the bathroom, not caring that he was dripping water everywhere.

                "But you know what?" he snapped, "When you get bitten, it's usually someone's fault, or you were doing something stupid.  Maybe you don't have a choice, but there's at least the knowledge that something can be done to prevent it in the future.  But when you _breed_ werewolves, the kids have no chance!  No one can keep them in at night or put up a fence or get wards put on the house to keep their children from becoming monsters.  You just...make them.  And what kind of life is a cursed life?"

                "It thought you were past all this!" Diana exclaimed.

                "Past it?  Hell, Diana, you know what my life's been like.  You don't 'get past' stuff like that, you just learn to live with it.  And just because there's one group of people who happen to accept me doesn't change the horror of what we all are."  Remus slammed the door again and started to towel off.

                "But that's just my point!" Diana said form the other side of the door, "Growing up in a pack makes it all easier to deal with.  You have fewer problems."

                There was a pregnant pause before the bathroom door opened again and Remus came out, fully clothed and looking dangerously thoughtful.

                "You had fewer problems, did you?" he said quietly.

                Diana nodded.  "Yes, I did."

                "What about Tristan?  I'd say having him looking over your shoulder all the time creates more than enough problems."  Inside Remus's head, wheels were turning, and some part of him was hoping that the connections he was making were wrong.

                "Tristan had his reasons," Diana said, although it was plain from her expression that, whatever Tristan's "reasons" may be, they didn't make her any less terrified of him.  Remus blinked as the final links of the chain fit together in his head.

                "I see," he said slowly, "It all makes sense now."

                Diana stared at him like she was waiting for a storm to hit.

                "You were the daughter of the pack's big shots, and Tristan was the next one in line to be leader.  I'll bet he wanted to do this little mating ritual with you pretty badly," Remus continued, even though the words made him feel sick, "Do how many times have you done this wit him, huh?  Did you do it while we were dating?"

                "I swear, Remus, I've never done anything with him!" Diana was on the verge of tears, "I never wanted to.  And this was the first time I could participate in the mating ritual, anyway.  You have to be of age, and in the pack 'of age' is twenty-one!"

                Remus laughed bitterly.

                "Lucky for us we made the cut, eh?" he said, his tone dripping with sarcasm.  He wrenched the ring off his finger and shoved it into Diana's hand.

                "I don't want this anymore," he spat, "I don't want us anymore."

                He turned and strode towards the front door, hoping to Disapparate in peace, but Diana followed him.

                "In case you've forgotten, Remus, I didn't choose Tristan last night.  I chose you," she said, almost accusingly, "Did it ever occur to you that I wanted to be with you?" 

                Remus sighed.

                "And did it ever occur to _you _that I might want that, too, someday?" he asked, meeting Diana's gaze, "But Diana, if that day came, I'd want to have control over it.  I'd want us to be able to make a choice together, not just do something without thought because it's part of a ritual.  I'd want it to be real and not some sort of...animal urge."

                "Well, maybe we could –" Diana started, but Remus cut her off.

                "No.  There is no more 'we', Diana.  No trying again, no starting over.  This is it."  And with that, Remus was out the door.  He slammed it behind him and leaned against it, ignoring Diana's muffled protests.  He blew out a breath and tried to decide what to do.

                He couldn't go home yet.  He was too angry, and Sirius would pick up on that.  Remus really didn't feel like explaining anything at the moment.  He needed somewhere to go at calm down, to think things through, and to come up with a more rational way to deal with what had just happened.  The only place that came into his head was Diagon Alley, and he Apparated there without a second thought.

                Everything was still quiet.  Remus didn't know quite what time it was, but it seemed to be well before the time any of the shops opened.  The whole street seemed to be sleeping, dreaming only of the bustle a new day would bring.

                Remus shivered in the silence.  It was a pleasant enough morning, but inside he felt a deep, consuming cold spreading outwards from the region of his stomach.  He felt sick, and dirty, and betrayed.

                Diana had tricked him, there was no doubt about that.  No matter what reasons she thought she had, she'd still mislead Remus right into one of the most shameful acts of his life.  By keeping things from him, she'd done basically the same thing as lying, and she seemed determined to justify it.

                But, Remus knew, some of the blame also fell on him.  How had he convinced himself that being a werewolf could be a good thing?  Sure, he'd liked the pack, but there were also a lot of things that he'd looked past.  Little things, like Mary and Joel's jokes, but little things piled up and you got...well, you go the previous night.  What good could there possibly be when you lost your own mind every month and ran around with the mind of a beast?

                Remus started walking.  He wasn't going anywhere; there wasn't anywhere _to _go.  He just need to get moving, to keep this thought flowing, and to try and calm down.  Despite anything that he was feeling, he knew that he had to be rational.  He had to get a hold of himself.

                He stopped when he thought he heard a noise.  Looking around and seeing nothing, he started walking again.  A few seconds later, he heard what sounded like footsteps, but still, he saw nothing.  Remus shook himself.  There was no reason to be paranoid.  There were apartments above some of the shops; the noise was probably from an early riser.

                Remus soon found himself near the Leaky Cauldron.  The emptiness of the street was starting to creep him out, and he began to toy with the idea of going home.  Being by himself wasn't doing as much good as he'd hoped.  Maybe talking to Sirius _would_ be a better idea...

                Suddenly, a voice came from behind him.

                "Going somewhere, kid?"

                Remus whirled around.  That voice was unmistakable and, sure enough, Tristan was standing a short distance away, looking more angry than Remus had ever seen him.  For a moment, Remus was rooted to the spot, but then he came to himself and pulled out his wand.

                "Yes," he said, "Home."

                But Tristan was fast.  He strode over to Remus and knocked the wand out of his hand before Remus could speak the incantation.  Then he grabbed Remus by the collar and shoved him against the wall.

                "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't beat the shit out of you," he growled, glaring at Remus with one bloodshot eye.

                Remus gulped.  He knew that there was no right answer to that, but saying nothing could prove to be even worse.

                "Because I didn't do anything to you?" he ventured, although he had a pretty good idea why Tristan was on a rampage.

                "You bastard son of the moon, you defiled Diana!" Tristan spat, "You're worthless, and yet you think you can take what you want?  Think again."

                There was nothing for it.  Obviously, Tristan had figured out – or found out – what had happened the night before, and all that Remus could think of to do was to try and talk his way out of it.

                "Look," he said, "If I had known, nothing would have –"

                "Shut up!" Tristan shouted, "Every word that comes out of your filthy mouth is a lie."  Without warning, he punched Remus in the face.  Remus's head bounced off the wall behind him so hard that he saw stars.  Tristan let go of his collar and he slid to the ground, dazed.

                "What's the matter, little wolf?" Tristan taunted, "Afraid to fight like a man?"

                Remus struggled to his feet.  A new kind of anger was burning in him.  He was sick of Tristan treating him like dirt, and he definitely didn't like being called a liar.  And, despite everything, the thought of Tristan and Diana together still made him sick.  All of this combined caused him to ignore his better judgment and abandon common sense.

                "Don't you mean fight like an animal?" he retorted, "Because that's what you are."

                The kick caught Remus in the ribcage and threw him against the wall again.  Tristan advanced and stood over him with a horrible grin.

                "If that's the way you want to play, we can do it," he said.  Remus could only gasp as he tried to get his breath back.  He was sure he'd felt something crack when he hit the wall.

                "No games," he managed finally, "Just let me go home."

                "Home?" Tristan asked, faking shock, "A piece of dirt like you has a home?  I think I like the idea of you crawling around in the gutter better."  He reached down and hauled Remus up by the back of his robes.  Remus winced.

                "Go on," Tristan said, "Crawl."  And, with a mirthless laugh, he practically threw Remus to the ground.  Remus hit the cobbles with a sickening crunch and rolled towards the wall.  He held up his hands, trying feebly to protect himself as Tristan advanced again.

                "Was it worth it?" Tristan was demanded, "Was you little one night stand worth the consequences?"

                "I had no control," Remus wheezed, trying to edge away.

                "You had control enough to screw Diana," Tristan shot back, aiming another kick at Remus's stomach with horrible accuracy.  Remus heaved and vomited.

                Tristan looked at the mess of bile and blood and laughed again.  Then he watched Remus for a moment as if he was waiting for something else interesting to happen.  When nothing did, he took hold of Remus's collar again.  Remus had to fight not to scream as he was forcefully pulled to his feet.  There was nothing he could do to fight back.  His wand had rolled off somewhere, and even if he wasn't feeling as weak as he did at the moment, he'd be no match for Tristan without magic.

                "I hope you had a good night," Tristan said, his voice soft and menacing, "Because you're not going to live to see another one."  His massive hand closed around Remus's throat, and Remus felt a thumb pressing against his windpipe.  And then a thought came to him.  It was:

                _He can't kill me this way.  He can make things pretty damn uncomfortable, but he can't kill me._

                But, considering he was currently choking and blackness was starting to lick at the edges of his vision, the thought wasn't very comforting.

                "Tristan, stop!"

                The voice came out of nowhere, like a beacon.  Tristan turned to find where it was coming from, and dropped Remus when he saw Diana standing across the street.  Remus collapsed and stayed still, trying to breathe.

                Diana advanced on Tristan.  She was disheveled and distraught, but she was also angry, and that's what showed.

                "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she demanded, folding her arms across her chest and glaring at Tristan.

                "I'm showing the Marked kid what happens when he oversteps his boundaries," Tristan growled, looking over his shoulder at Remus.

                "Well, I've got news for you," Diana snapped, "He didn't do anything.  He didn't even know.  _I_ was the one who paired off with _him_."

                "What?" Tristan hissed, taking a step forward.

                "You heard me.  Mating with him was _my_ idea.  And I," Diana's voice quavered briefly, "I tricked him into it.  So leave him alone."

                "You little slut!" Tristan growled, "Haw dare you blow me off like that?  You're mine, and you know it."

                "No, Tristan, I'm not 'yours'," Diana exclaimed, "I don't belong to anybody.  I make my own choices.  And I chose Remus."

                "Well you chose wrong," said Tristan nastily, grabbing Diana by the arms, "I want what's mine, and you're going to give it to me, ritual or no ritual!"

                Remus tried desperately to see what was going on, but one eye was already starting to swell shut, and he couldn't see around Tristan in any case.  Every part of his body screamed in pain as he tried to stand up.  He heard Diana shriek.

                "Tristan, stop it!  Let me go!"  It sounded like she was crying.

                "Can it, bitch!" Tristan snapped, "You had your fun, and now you're going to pay for it!"

                Remus tried to shout, but his stomach heaved and he threw up again.  He felt helpless; he wanted to do something but he could barely make it to his feet...his head was spinning...

                There was a desperate scream from Diana.  Remus looked up, his vision blurry, and tried to focus.

                "What the –" he heard Tristan say.

                "_Avada Kedavra_!" Diana's shout rang in the empty street.  Tristan stiffened, and then fell over slowly, like a big tree finally brought down by a persistent axe.  He hit the ground with a thud and was still.

                Diana stared down at him, more shocked than horrified, and started to laugh.  It wasn't triumphant or happy; it was a laugh of relief, as if, finally, a weight had been taken ff her shoulders.

                "Good riddance!" she shouted to the sky.  Then she suddenly seemed to come back to herself, and she rushed over to Remus, looking concerned.

                "Remus," she gasped, "I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner.  I couldn't figure out where you'd gone, and then Tristan woke up..."

                Remus coughed and pushed himself up on his elbow, wincing.

                "My wand," he rasped, "Where's my wand?"

                Diana looked around almost frantically, and eventually had to go halfway across the street to retrieve the wand.  When she came back, Remus saw that her dress was torn badly and that there was a bruise forming on her cheek.

                "Did...did Tristan try to..."

                "Shh, yes," Diana nodded, handing Remus his wand, "But he's" – she looked over her shoulder – "He's not going to bother anyone anymore."

                "He tried to kill me," Remus whispered.  Every word hurt; he was positive that he had at least one broken rib, and he kept tasting blood in the back of his throat.

                Diana shook her head.  "He couldn't have managed it."

                "I know," Remus said.  There was a pause.  Then,

                "I'm leaving."

                "What?" Diana asked in surprise.  Remus dragged himself to his feet, trying to ignore the pain and the dizzy way that the world was spinning in front of his eyes.

                "You heard me.  This doesn't change anything.  I'm leaving."

                Diana stood as well, looking bewildered.

                "But...at least let me help you, take you to a hospital, something..."

                "No," Remus said firmly, and cringed as something in his chest slid over something else, "You've saved me enough.  From here on out, I take care of myself."

                "But Remus..." Diana's protest went unheard.  Remus turned his back on her, summoned his remaining strength, and Apparated home.

                He reappeared outside the front door and had to hang on to the frame to keep from collapsing.  After a moment, he was able to open the door and stumble inside, panting.  He leaned against the wall until he heard footsteps coming from the kitchen.

                _Crap_, he thought, _What am I going to tell Sirius_?

                He didn't have any time to consider that before Sirius appeared around the corner, looking – amazingly – wide-awake and sober.

                "Moony!" he exclaimed happily, rushing over to Remus and hugging him, "I thought I heard you come in.  I was starting to worry."

                Remus flinched and held in a scream.

                "Padfoot," he said slowly, "You've got to let go of me."

                Sirius released Remus, confused at the tone of his friend's voice.  As his eyes adjusted to the dim light of the hallway, he became aware of Remus's appearance and surveyed him with increasing horror.

                Remus's left eye was bruised and swollen shut, his lip was puffy and bleeding, and his robes were torn and spattered with blood.  His face was ashen and he looked as if he might pass out at any second.

                "What the bloody hell happened?" Sirius gasped finally.

                Remus looked at Sirius's shocked expression and realized that he really didn't want to talk about anything.  He just wanted to go upstairs, collapse into bed, and see if it was possible to sleep.  He didn't want to recount the worse night of his life, no matter how much "better" it might make him feel.  So he tried to act distant when he said,

                "Nothing," and pushed past Sirius.

                "What the – Moony, I know you didn't fall down the stairs or run into a tree or something," Sirius said, following Remus through the kitchen, "Somebody beat the crap out of you, and I want to know who it was."

                "Tristan and I had a dispute over Diana, all right?" Remus snapped, trying to get Sirius to back off.  But, protective as he was, Sirius didn't take the hint.

                "How in the hell did you get in a fight with a guy like that?" he exclaimed, "And over a girl?"

                "It doesn't matter!" Remus hissed, rounding on Sirius, "It's over and done.  Now leave me alone."

                Sirius stared at Remus's bruised and bleeding face in bewilderment.

                "Moony, why are you being like this?  I just want to help you."

                "Well, don't!" Remus spat, "I'm fine."

                "You're far from 'fine'!" Sirius's voice was nearly a wail, "Why can't you just let me take care of you?  Let me take you to St. Mungo's or _something_!  Don't just blow me off like nothing's wrong!"

                "Dammit, Sirius, this isn't your problem!" Remus shouted, ignoring the pain that was throbbing through his body, "You don't need to rush in and save me every time something goes wrong!  So, as far as you should be concerned, I'm bloody well _fine_!"

                The effort of this tangent proved to be too much, and, as Sirius watched in horror, Remus collapsed to his knees and began coughing violently.  His body gave a sickening jolt and he vomited.  Sirius stifled a scream as blood spattered the floor.

                Remus gasped and rocked back on his heels, his eyes closed and his face pallid.  He could feel himself sweating.  All he wanted to do was get away from everything and be alone for a while.

                "Moony?" Sirius's voice quavered.  With an effort, Remus looked up and saw that his friend was crying.  But at this point, it meant nothing.  He was too tired and too angry to think straight.  He shook his head slowly as the world wobbled around him.

                "No, Sirius," he whispered, "You can't help."

                "Moony, don't die on me," Sirius pleaded, tears streaming down his cheeks.  He knelt down next to Remus and supported the man's head as he slumped back.  Remus laughed bitterly and blood trickled out of the corner of his mouth.

                "Oh no, I won't die," he said hoarsely, surveying Sirius with half-closed eyes, "I _can't_."

                Sirius took a deep breath.  "Right."

                "I can take care of myself..." Remus continued, his voice growing fainter.

                "Sure you can," Sirius replied soothingly, although he wasn't entirely sure who he was trying to soothe.  He watched Remus for a moment, then began to compose himself.  No matter _what _Remus said, Sirius knew that he had to do something.  He couldn't just leave his best friend lying on the floor in his own blood.

                Sirius took another deep breath to steady himself and got his arms under Remus as best he could.  Then he lifted Remus off the floor and carried him upstairs, ignoring all protests.  He pushed open the door to Remus's bedroom and laid the man gingerly on the bed.

                "Padfoot –" Remus started, but Sirius shook his head.

                "You need to rest, Moony."

                "But I –"

                "Shh," Sirius cut him off, "Rest.  We can talk later."

                These words seemed to calm Remus down somewhat and he closed his eyes.

                "Maybe just for a little while," he murmured.

                Sirius leaned down and kissed Remus gently on the forehead.  If Remus had been in any condition to notice, he could have been surprised at the tender gesture, and probably happy to see the sensitive side that Sirius so rarely showed.  But all he did was make a terrible wheezing sound that could have been a sigh.

                Sirius bit his lip and turned away.  He couldn't stand to see Remus in so much pain.  He left the room, closing the door quietly and leaning against it.

                "You rest," he said with a nod, "I'm going to find your damn girlfriend and get her to tell me what happened."


	7. April, 1981: Diana’s Story

**Chapter 7 – April, 1981: Diana's Story**

Diana was extremely surprised when Sirius's face appeared in her fireplace. Her first thought was that Remus must have told him what happened. Her second thought was that he probably wasn't very happy about it.

"We need to talk," Sirius said. He sounded relatively calm, which surprised Diana. However, she was still quite shaken from the events of the morning, so she kept her guard up.

"Does it have to be now?" she asked.

"Yes," Sirius replied shortly, "It does."

"Well, I –"

"Face-to-face," Sirius continued, "You come over here and we'll talk."

"Why there?" Diana wanted to know.

"Because there's no way that I'm leaving Moony alone," Sirius answered severely, "So you can come here. _Now_."

"All right, fine," Diana sighed and got up. Sirius's face disappeared into the flames and she was alone again. She was also worried.

How much had Remus told Sirius? Probably not a whole lot, or else Sirius would have been much more upset. But that meant that Diana was going to have to explain things, and that was not a comforting thought.

And how was Remus? Had he refused Sirius's help as well? Diana shivered as the image of Remus, broken and bleeding, loomed in her mind. She didn't want to think of what kind of pain he must be in, or of what else Tristan might have done if she hadn't shown up when she did.

"But I'm no hero," she whispered, hugging herself. She stood like that for a moment, then managed to compose herself enough to toss a pinch of Floo powder into the fire and head over to talk to Sirius.

"It's about time," Sirius greeted her as she stepped out of the fireplace on his end. He was standing with his arms crossed, looking impatient. There was blood smeared on the sleeves and down the front of his robes, and, all together, it made for a pretty imposing picture. Diana tried her best to ignore it.

"How's Remus?"

"Better question," Sirius snapped, "How did Remus get in the condition he's in? I know him, he's not a fighter, so how the _hell _did he get in a spat with an arsehole like Tristan?"

"It's a long story," Diana said.

"I'm not going anywhere," Sirius replied coldly.

Diana sighed. Here it came. She was going to have to tell the whole story, possibly even the bits that she hadn't had a chance to tell Remus, and she wasn't looking forward to it.

"Can we at least sit down?" she asked. Sirius's face softened and he nodded.

"Go in the kitchen; I'll make some tea," he said, leading the way out of the room. Diana followed, albeit reluctantly.

Her feelings were somewhat justified. As soon as the tea was on the table, Sirius became businesslike again. He leaned forward and gave Diana a critical look before asking,

"So, how did Remus get in a fight with Tristan?"

Diana took a deep breath. "Well, they were fighting over me..."

"I gathered that," Sirius interrupted, "Why?"

"Like I said, it's a long story," Diana replied.

"Then start at the beginning, and tell me everything. I don't care how long it takes; don't leave anything out."

"Well," Diana said slowly, "I suppose it all started when..."

_It had all started before Diana was born, back when her parents joined the pack. They had been quite young, both of them barely twenty-one and still basking in the glow of being newlyweds._

_ The pack wasn't too much different then. It was mostly made up of young people who were confused or lonely, and wanted – or rather, _needed_ – someplace to belong._

_ But the traditions were different, more old-fashioned. When a couple in the pack had a child, they would leave to start their own pack. Often this was complicated by the couples' families, but either way it meant a lot of turnover in the way of pack leaders. Things were rarely stable and the only thing that really held the pack together was the sense everyone had of all being the same in one important way._

_ Diana's parents were not the leaders of the pack right away. There was another prominent couple, very set in their ways, and they dictated how the pack was run very specifically until the birth of their first child. By tradition, they had to leave, so they did, and Diana's parents found themselves thrust into a position of power that they weren't quite ready for._

_ They were twenty-five at the time, and the oldest people in the pack. Everyone older had either had a child or moved on with their lives. And, although they were well-liked by the other pack members, Diana's parents floundered with the issue of leadership for several months. Things were rocky, partly because of lack of stability in general, but mostly because of one unhappy pack member._

_ His name was Tristan. He was just a teenager at the time: skinny, freckled, and extremely bad-tempered. Nobody knew where he had come from; like many pack members, he'd just shown up one night. But his temper had made him infamous. He got in unprovoked fights, he hit anyone who got too close to him at the wrong time, and he growled no matter what form he was in._

_ Despite his continued disturbances and his young age, no one dared try to kick Tristan out of the pack. They knew that he planned to be leader someday, and it was plain that, if anyone did anything to anger him, he would remember it, and that person would be in dire trouble when Tristan's day of leadership came._

_ But Diana's parents eventually took rather well to leading the pack, and they grew to the status of parental figures in the eyes of some of the younger members. Things started to run more smoothly, like a family instead of a random group thrown together by unfortunate circumstances. People were happier._

_ So it came as no real surprise to anyone when, after the birth of their daughter, Diana's parents announced that they would break with tradition and continue to lead the pack if everyone would have them. This proposal was met with open arms from everyone except, of course, Tristan._

_ He was nearly sixteen by that time, and would have become leader had Diana's parents chosen to leave. He wasn't the next-oldest, but he had seniority, and that's what mattered. He also had, for some reason that was never discerned, developed a hatred for bitten werewolves, also known as "Marked ones" or, as Tristan called them, "bastard sons of the moon". As far as it was known, most of the pack at that time was Marked. It made sense, really, since all the werewolves with children had left in the past. But Tristan favored a "pure breed", and had no problem making his anger at Diana's parents' decision known._

_ After one of the monthly meetings, he cornered them while they were putting out the fire. Even at sixteen, he was menacing. He'd spent time working on his muscles and had grown several inches in a few years. He demanded that they leave and give him what he considered his "rightful place"._

_ Diana's parents had the courage to refuse. They'd brought the pack a long way and feared that chaos would ensue if Tristan was allowed to take over. They told him that their decision was final._

_ But Tristan wasn't about to walk away empty-handed. If he couldn't get leadership, he wanted something that he considered just as good: a pure-blood mate. And as Diana was the only pure werewolf female in the pack at that time, Tristan decided to lay claim to her. So he held mother and child at wand point, demanding that Diana be "his" to mate with when she came of age._

_ Diana's parents gave in. No one knew enough about Tristan to know that he wasn't much good at magic, and Diana's parents feared for their family. They also figured that twenty-one years was plenty long enough to find a way out of the agreement. They also secretly hoped that Tristan would grow bored waiting for the child to grow up or another pure-blood female to join the pack._

_ But he didn't. In fact, he maintained an ever more vigilant watch as the girl grew older, and Diana's parents started to fear for their daughter's future. So they did what they could, giving Diana advanced training in defense magic and sending her away to school whenever possible. They kept hoping that, during Diana's absences, Tristan's eye would come to rest on someone else, and the nightmare would be over._

_ In the meantime, many more couples were electing to raise their children in the pack. The idea of a pack full of pure-blood werewolves became less far-fetched and, in the eyes of some, more desirable. The pack grew quickly, and Diana's parents' hopes of Tristan finding another mate grew right along with it._

_ But it was not to be. Tristan kept a continuous close watch on Diana, and finally her parents decided it would be safer to send her away indefinitely. So, shortly before Diana turned sixteen, they arranged for her to finish her magical studies abroad._

_ Everything was looking good and all plans were in order when tragedy struck. One night, while running errands in Hogsmede, Diana's father was attacked and killed with a silver dagger. No one was able to identify the attacker, and as there was no proof, nothing could be done about it._

_ The pack was shocked, but none so much as Diana's mother. She suspected who had been behind the murder, but she couldn't prove it and was so upset that she died only a few weeks later from a mixture of stress and heartbreak. This left the pack bewildered and leaderless, and put Diana in a very awkward position. On the one hand, her family had seniority and she could take up leadership of the pack with, mostly, no objections. On the other hand, she was burdened with grief at the loss of her parents, and she felt that getting away and losing herself in study may serve to ease the pain._

_ In the end, Diana decided to continue her course of magical study and left the pack. However, she was not without guilt regarding her decision. She knew that Tristan would take up the position of pack leader upon her departure, and she knew how much this upset most of the pack. But her grief was too fresh for her to stay in a place where she was constantly reminded of her parents. So, despite protests from her friends, Diana left to pursue her studies._

"And that's how Tristan came into the picture," Diana explained, "I didn't want him to lead the pack, but, at the same time, I couldn't stay."

"I see," Sirius said. He had listened to the story without interrupting, but now he was beginning to get impatient. "What does this have to do with Remus?"

"I'm getting there," Diana replied, "As you know, I didn't return from my studies until I was nineteen..."

_For the past three years, the pack had been under Tristan's leadership. But, due to the bonds formed during the time that Diana's parents led the pack, chaos had been avoided. In fact, many people had learned to ignore Tristan altogether, and things worked out better that way._

_ But there were some who hated Tristan, and they approached Diana immediately after she returned, begging her to do something and claim leadership of the pack._

_ Despite the fact that she also hated Tristan, there was nothing that Diana could do. She had forfeited her seniority in the pack the day she left, and, by rights, the leadership belonged to Tristan._

"I wanted so badly to be able to do something for them, but I couldn't," Diana continued with a sigh, "Tristan had claim and he knew it."

"What about what your parents promised him?" Sirius prompted. He knew that he was probably treading on thin ice with the question, but he also felt that Diana might be getting close to telling him what he needed to hear.

"I'd prayed all the time I was away that he would forget," Diana replied, staring down into her tea, "But he never did. He never even mated with anyone else; it was like I was his, and he was stubborn enough to wait until he could have me.

"But I learned a lot of defensive magic, both from my parents and from my studies, and I was sick of him watching over my shoulder, waiting to have his way with me. So one day when he got too close, I pulled my wand out and threatened him. I was actually surprised when he recoiled; I'd heard the stories about how he'd threatened me as a child. All I could think of was that he must have been bluffing. But, magically inept or not, he was still much stronger than me and I knew that I couldn't mess with him very often without some sort of consequences.

"Tristan did tend to keep his distance after that, but I could always feel him watching me. I felt like I had to keep myself above him, to always be ready so I would have the upper hand if he suddenly decided to bother me again. And, I suppose, all of this hardened me in some way. Having to look out for myself like that made me lock my sensitivities away because I knew they could turn into weaknesses in the face of confrontation.

"But then I met Remus. He was so...different from what I was used to. After having Tristan looking over my shoulder my whole life, it was a relief to meet someone who wasn't forward or brutal, someone who was really nice, and kind of shy.

"That's why I asked him to join the pack. He seemed so lost, and I thought it might be good for him to be around more...people like us."

"And you thought it might be good for you to be around him," Sirius guessed. It wasn't hard to tell from Diana's face where the story was going.

"Yes," Diana nodded, "But then, after spending time with him, I realized that there was more to it than that. Remus isn't just a nice guy, he's practical and caring, and he cared about me so openly...I started to fall in love with him.

"I never said anything. I was too afraid of what Tristan might do it if he found out. But, in his own way, I think Remus loved me, too. Things were easy between us after a while; our relationship began to flow wonderfully. I started to feel that I could open up with him, like I could drop the persona that I'd had to hold around Tristan for so long. I was comfortable.

"And then the time of the pack's mating ritual started to approach. As far back as anyone can remember, the pack has kept up the mating ritual. It's a sort of way to ensure that we carry on, that there's always more of our kind to help other people who...have a condition like ours come upon them unexpectedly. We do two a year: one in October and one in April. This month was the first time I was old enough to participate, and back around February I started to realize just what I was coming up on. It was the day I'd dreaded since I was old enough to understand it, the day that Tristan would get what he wanted. And I realized that I'd never had any say in the matter. My fate when I came of age had been dictated by some oversized bully when I was too young to speak for myself. And I'd known for some time that what was in store for me was not what I wanted.

"You see, in our mating ritual, who you mate with is supposed to be a choice. Some people are married, and they always mate with their human partner. Everyone else usually talks about it beforehand, and people who are in a relationship of some kind often decide to mate. People who don't discuss it run the risk of not having a mate.

"I knew all of this, and I knew what I really wanted. I wanted my choice. I didn't want Tristan anywhere near me; I wanted to mate with Remus."

Sirius sprayed a mouthful of tea across the table.

"You _what_?" he choked, wiping his chin on the sleeve of his robe.

"Don't act so surprised," Diana said coolly, "You wanted to know what happened."

"Yeah, but...hell..." Sirius trailed off, uncertain of exactly what he was about to hear, but perfectly sure that he didn't want to hear it.

When Diana was sure that Sirius was through with his outburst, she continued.

"The first thing that crossed my mind was that Tristan would never stand for it. But I wasn't about to let his controlling attitude affect me anymore. However, there was the very distinct possibility that, if Tristan found out what I'd decided before the mating ritual took place, he'd try to kill Remus, or at least hurt him very badly.

"So I did what I could to keep it from him. As much as I wanted to shout to the world that I'd finally made a choice that was my own, one that defied Tristan, I kept quiet. I didn't want to see Remus hurt in any way.

"But I was so busy steering conversations and choosing words that it never occurred to me that Remus might not have heard of our ritual. In my mind, it was a normal thing, a sort of pack tradition, and I didn't bother to explain anything to Remus because I figured he'd already picked up on it.

"So, last night everything went as it usually does during the mating ritual except, before Tristan could approach me, I paired off with Remus. After that, Tristan couldn't touch us. It's the epitome of rudeness to break up a pair during the ritual, and even Tristan doesn't dare overstep a boundary like that. In effect, I was free. _We_ were free, really. Last night was the only time in my relationship with Remus that I didn't feel like someone was breathing down our necks."

Sirius held up a hand, again feeling a bit disgusted.

"I don't need to know how your sexual experience with Moony was," he said sourly, "Just tell me what happened this morning."

Diana looked taken aback, but Sirius was finally reaching the end of his patience and didn't much care how Diana reacted just as long as she finished her story.

"This morning," she said quietly, "Well, I woke up, saw Remus, went over to talk to him, and he just...erupted. He accused me of tricking him into mating with me, and said a lot of nasty things about pureblood werewolves. I was scared to death; I'd had no idea he would react like that."

"Well, he's had it rough," Sirius said, "And he doesn't really subscribe to the 'bestial urges are normal' school of thought. That's more my thing." He smiled wryly. "But I think you knew that."

Diana nodded. "Somewhere deep down, I knew that I was being selfish and a little stupid. All Remus wanted to do was belong, and I ended up putting him through hell just to keep myself away from Tristan."

"Which brings us back to my original question," Sirius interjected, "What happened between Remus and Tristan?"

"Well, after Remus and I argued, Remus Disapparated and I was left feeling kind of bewildered," Diana explained, "I wanted to follow him and try to at least clarify things a little, but suddenly I heard Tristan yelling. It sounded like he said, 'That stinking little Marked kid ran off with her!' He must have woken up, seen both Remus and I gone, and jumped to conclusions. It was obvious that he was not happy about the mating ritual.

"I ran outside to try and confront him, but he Disapparated before I got there. A few other people were awake, and they were all startled. Nobody had any idea what was going on except for me.

"I tried to think of where Tristan might go if he thought I'd run off with Remus. My only thought was to keep him as far away from Remus as possible. I finally remembered that the only place he'd seen us together outside of pack meetings was Diagon Alley, and I Apparated there as fast as I could.

"I didn't expect Remus to be there; I thought he'd gone home. But there he was, out in back of the Leaky Cauldron, and Tristan was there, too, beating the crap out of him."

Sirius listened patiently as Diana described her encounter with Tristan. His eyes widened as she got to the part where Tristan had attempted to rape her.

"He tried to do that?"

"He wanted what he thought was his," Diana sighed, "He'd waited twenty-one years and still didn't get what was promised to him, so he took revenge."

"He didn't actually...you know..." Sirius left the question unfinished, beginning to feel bad about how cold he'd been with Diana earlier.

"Oh no," Diana shook her head, "It didn't get that far."

How did you stop him?" Sirius couldn't help asking.

"I killed him," Diana replied, much to Sirius's surprise, "It was the only thing I could think of that would stop him for good. Besides, the bastard deserved it for what he did to Remus." She looked away, although it was plain that there were tears in her eyes.

Sirius sat quietly, a bit stunned. He was surprised to see how much Diana cared about Remus, and it was amazing what she'd gone through to keep Tristan away from him. On the other hand, her approach had involved a lot of deceit, and, in the end, Remus had suffered anyway.

"Well," Sirius said finally, "Now I know."

He got up and went to the window, unsure whether or not he should still be angry. In a way, he also felt responsible for what had happened. After all, he had encouraged Remus to take up with the pack in the first place, and had cheered on the relationship with Diana. But Remus was an adult and, as he had often taken pains to point out over the years, he made his own choices. Sirius sighed; it wasn't an easy situation no matter how he looked at it. It seemed that everyone was somehow to blame.

"Sirius, I'm sorry," Diana said suddenly. Sirius started. He'd almost forgotten she was there.

"You're sorry," he repeated blandly.

"I know it won't change anything or help at all, but yes, I am. I could have handled things differently," Diana replied, her voice shaking slightly.

"Yes," Sirius said slowly, "You could have." He turned back to the window and looked out at the dark morning. Clouds had rolled in and everything was shrouded in a sort of dreary, gray color that perfectly matched Sirius's mood. He could feel his earlier anger bubbling just under the surface of his personal gloom. Somehow, Diana being sorry about everything didn't cut it. She was right; "sorry" couldn't make Remus better or take away anything that had happened. To Sirius, "sorry" seemed like one of the most foolish things that could have been said in the situation.

"You should go now," he said after a moment. Diana wiped her eyes and stood up.

"Tell Remus what I said, that I never meant to hurt him," she said, her voice nearly a whisper.

"Just go," Sirius snapped, keeping his back to her.

Diana sighed. She should have known things would turn out like this. She knew how her story must have sounded to Sirius, and, now that she'd come to tell it to somebody else, Diana realized that she didn't like the way it sounded, either. It would be best if she left Remus and Sirius alone.

Sirius turned away from the window only after he heard Diana Disapparate. Then he went over to the foot of the stairs and calmly cleaned up the vomit and blood that was still lying there. It left behind a stain that the cleaning charms couldn't remove, and Sirius figured he'd have a go at it the Muggle way later on. But first he wanted to go check on Remus.

As he climbed the stairs, Sirius thought over all that Diana had told him. No wonder Remus had been high-strung and angry when he got home. He probably would have been even worse if he'd had the energy. Being deceived like that by someone he'd cared so much about...Sirius shook his head. That wasn't something Remus could deal with lightly. When Remus cared, he cared deeply, and it was a hard blow for him when anything went wrong. The Marauders were probably the only people who had ever been turned into Remus's sensitivity.

Sirius knocked softly on the door to Remus's room. When there was no answer, he assumed that Remus was still asleep and eased the door open to check on his friend.

Remus wasn't there. Sirius stared at the empty bed in shock. In order to leave, Remus would have had to walk down the stairs and through the kitchen to get to the door, or he'd have to Disapparate, neither of which he'd seemed to be in the condition to do. But he'd obviously done _something_, because the room was empty.

Sirius sat down on the bed, trying to sort out his thoughts, and heard something crinkle. He looked down. There, on the rumpled, bloodstained sheets, was a note. Sirius seized it like a lifeline and scanned it frantically.

_Padfoot_, he read, _I'm sorry I can't explain what happened, but I have to leave. I can't have you watching out for me anymore; it's not fair to either of us. Please don't try to follow me. I need some time alone._

_ Moony_

Sirius stared at the note, reading it again and again as if willing the contents to change. But there it was, plain as day in Remus's careful script: he'd gone, and it didn't sound as if he intended to come back.

"Moony, you fool," Sirius whispered, clutching the note to his chest and fighting back tears. He sat for a moment, grappling with anger, shock, and concern, before getting up with newfound determination.

If Remus didn't want to be followed, fine. But that didn't mean that Sirius couldn't try his hardest to find out where he'd gone.


	8. Late Spring, 1981

**Chapter 8 – Late Spring, 1981**

_Late April_

Remus sighed. He'd looked all over Diagon Alley for any spare rooms to rent and found none. The previous night, he'd spent a large chunk of his meager amount of money staying at the Leaky Cauldron, and tonight it looked as if he'd be sleeping in an alley.

He was pretty sure there'd been an empty room above Flourish and Blotts, but the wizard behind the counter there had given Remus a very distasteful look and insisted that any rooms he had were already rented out. Remus hadn't been in the mood to argue, so he'd moved along.

He looked like hell, he knew. He'd cleaned himself up as best he could, but it was still obvious that he'd been in a nasty fight. From time to time, a bone shifted uncomfortably in his chest. It was a wonder that he was even upright.

But he couldn't bring himself to go back to Sirius's house. He kept trying to convince himself that it was because he was sick of Sirius trying to take care of him all the time, but he knew that wasn't the case. Deep down, Remus had always felt like some kind of burden to his friends, and he couldn't weigh them down anymore. He'd tried to have a life of his own and failed miserably, and he didn't want the backlash of that to affect Sirius and James, or Peter when he came back. So he had to make a new life, hopefully one that would work and that wouldn't hurt anybody.

Remus looked around. There was one place he hadn't tried yet, albeit because it was a last resort. But that was what he was down to, so he supposed he'd better go for it. He picked up his suitcase and headed to the Apothecary.

A draft of foul-smelling air greeted him as he pushed the door open. The Apothecary always stank; too many potion ingredients in too small a space made for a nasty mélange of odors. Remus tried not to gag as he passed the rows of bottles and jars. The only upside to the smell was that it was unlikely that anybody else would want to live above something so rank.

A portly old wizard with a bristly moustache was sitting behind the counter in the back. His hands were stained in an array of bizarre colors, as was the apron he had tied around his ample waist. Remus approached him cautiously.

"What can I do for you, son?" the man asked, seeming not to notice that Remus looked as though he'd been through a meat grinder.

"Er, I was just wondering if you have any rooms for rent," Remus replied, wondering when the other shoe would drop.

"You're in luck, kid. The apartment upstairs just emptied out yesterday."

"Really?" Remus asked. It was a stupid question, but something more direct like, "why?" had the potential to jinx the whole situation.

"Yup," the man nodded, "and it's the cheapest set of rooms you'll find in Diagon Alley, trust me on that."

Remus didn't doubt it, what with the location. However, he couldn't help but wince when the man told him the price. It _was _cheap, almost ridiculously so, but it also represented the last of the money that Remus had brought with him. He plunked down the first month's rent anyway, figuring that having a bed was better than having money and sleeping in an alley, especially considering the sorts of people who generally lurked in alleys at night.

He followed the portly wizard up the stairs and was shown to a modest set of rooms, including a living area, a kitchen, a small bathroom, and a bedroom about the size of a cupboard. It was all furnished, though, and Remus was slightly cheered by the prospect of being able to settle in. His heart sank again when he realized that he'd be settling in without dinner. In fact, he wouldn't be seeing much food of any kind until he found a way to get more money.

"Oh, hey, kid," the portly wizard said suddenly, turning at the head of the stairs, "You need a job?"

Remus stared at the man for a moment, then shook himself. If the apartment hadn't smelled like something had died in it, he would have found his current situation too good to be true.

"I could use one," he managed to answer.

"Well, I need a janitor. It's night work, and not glamorous, but I pay well since it ain't without its hazards."

"Hazards?" Remus inquired. The wizard shrugged.

"Volatile ingredients and that," he said, "I don't want to cast it in a bad light, but my last three janitors got burned, blown up, and turned into a squirrel, respectively. Needless to say, they quit, except the squirrel guy, who just chattered at me until the folks from St. Mungo's came and got him."

Normally a report like this would have deterred Remus, but at the moment, anything looked better than the prospect of having no food. He opened his mouth to answer, but the portly wizard held up a hand.

"Before you agree or disagree, I have to tell you that all the cleaning in here has to be done the Muggle way: broom and dustpan or bucket and mop," he said, "It's too dangerous to use magic to clean up this stuff."

Remus nodded. At this point, he could really care less if he had to clean the floors with his own spit; a job was a job, and that meant income. There was one thing, though...

"I'll take it," he said, "But I have one condition."

"What's that, son?"

Remus took a deep breath. He could only hope the wizard wouldn't ask any questions.

"I need two nights off a month," he said, watching the other man's face carefully.

The wizard shrugged. "With the trouble I've been having with janitors, only having to clean this place twice a month is a relief. You've got yourself a deal."

Remus was surprised, but also happy that the man was willing to give him both the apartment and the job, no questions asked. They briefly discussed payment and the wizard showed Remus where the broom closet was before going back to his position at the counter. Remus returned upstairs and shut himself in the bedroom.

He sat down on the narrow bed and propped open his suitcase on his lap. Aside from his small collection of clothing, he had packed several books, mostly on magical healing and potion making. There was also a volume on Defense Against the Dark Arts which had been in Peter's room for some reason. Remus had, admittedly, nicked it several months ago, although now he couldn't remember why, or how it had ended up in his suitcase. He set it aside and opened one of the books on healing potions.

He'd never been much good at potions. There were several times in school when he'd just barely squeaked by in Potions, oftentimes only by writing decent enough essays to make up for failures in class. But he knew that, without some kind of attention, his injuries weren't going to heal properly, and that would make for – at the very least – an extremely uncomfortable future.

It had been a little over a day since the encounter with Tristan, but to Remus it seemed like an eternity ago, some other lifetime that he could almost pretend wasn't his. It _was _his, though, and he was reminded of that every time he moved the wrong way or passed a mirror. He was still coughing up blood, too, and when he rolled over in his sleep, bones crackled and slid in his ribcage. He knew that, by rights, he shouldn't even be alive.

He found a section on broken bones and began to skim through it. One good thing about living above the Apothecary was that it would be easy to get ingredients, although Remus could only imagine how many of them he'd waste in his attempt to get the potions right. He sighed and settled in with the book, intent on finding something he could start on as soon as he got paid.

_Early May_****

Sirius was sitting at the kitchen table and staring out the window dejectedly when he heard the front door open. There was some muffled cursing, followed by a disjointed chorus of bangs and crashes. Sirius sighed.

"Hello, Wormtail," he called halfheartedly, making no move to get up. Peter appeared in the doorway a moment later, juggling several suitcases in a lopsided sort of way.

"Hi, Padfoot!" he said brightly, "How's it going?"

Sirius looked up at Peter's round, red face and shook his head.

"You've never had very good timing, you know that?" he said, getting up slowly. He relieved Peter of two of the suitcases and headed for the stairway. Of course, the comment went right over Peter's head. He shrugged and hurried after Sirius.

"Where's Moony?" he asked, innocently enough.

Sirius stiffened. He'd been asking himself the same question for two weeks. The tracking spells he'd done were frustratingly inconclusive; all that he'd been able to learn was that Remus was somewhere close, and it was both irritating and worrying that he couldn't figure out exactly where "close" was.

However, the fact that Remus was sticking close baffled him. The tone of Remus's departing note had suggested to Sirius that Remus was ready to cut ties and give himself some space. Why he wouldn't head for the farthest point from home was beyond Sirius.

And yet, even if he did find Remus, what good would it do? He couldn't very well go after his friend; Remus had asked, very specifically, not to be followed. In the end, Sirius only felt more alone.

He stared at the reddish-brown stain by the stairwell, which he hadn't attended to yet, and shook his head.

"Moony...doesn't live here anymore," he said finally, before hoisting the suitcases and ascending the stairs. Peter followed him, panting.

"When did he move out? Can we go visit him?" he asked. Sirius ignored the question and dumped the suitcases outside Peter's bedroom door. Peter groaned.

"Aww, c'mon, Sirius, you know I can't do this all myself," he whined, nearly dropping everything again. Sirius rolled his eyes. Same old Wormtail. Two years of Divination study hadn't changed his slightly irritating nature one bit. Sirius pushed the bedroom door open and haphazardly dropped the suitcases onto Peter's bed.

"Moony doesn't want to be visited," he said shortly, turning to leave the room. Peter heaved the rest of his things onto a chair and wheezed.

"Why? What happened?" he wanted to know. Sirius cringed. He really didn't have the patience or desire to deal with Peter at the moment. In fact, he thought he'd made it pretty clear that he was in no mood to talk, but Peter had never been very good at picking up on those kinds of things. So Sirius made one last effort to close the conversation.

"A lot of things happened," he said, "Let's leave it at that."

"But Sirius, I –" Peter started to protest. Sirius's temper exploded.

"Damn you, Peter, can't you get it through your stupid thick skull that I don't want to talk about this right now?"

With that, Sirius left the room, slamming the door so hard that the knob came off in his hand.

Remus jerked awake at the sound of a small explosion. He scrambled out of bed and over to a low table on the other side of the bedroom, where he'd left his latest potion simmering. It was supposed to be left in a beaker over a low flame for eight hours, after which it would turn a clear shade of blue. Instead, it had only been three hours, and the beaker had exploded. Orange liquid ran over the edge of the table and dripped onto the floor.

Remus groaned. This was only the second potion he'd attempted. The first one had given him no end of trouble, but it had worked out, eventually. The bones in his ribcage were already feeling much stronger. But this potion was supposed to reinforce the effects of the first one, and Remus had to get it done within the next few days or he'd be right back where he started.

Both of the potions were terribly expensive. Remus had spent almost an entire week's pay on what he needed to make the second one work, and here it went and blew up in his face. He'd have to skip out on food again in order to be able to afford a new set of ingredients.

On his way back to bed, Remus passed the mirror. The dim light from the half moon outside illuminated him, and he sighed.

He knew he looked awful. Sure, his black eye had healed and the cuts on his face had dwindled to scars, but he hadn't been taking care of himself. His hair was shaggy and unkempt, and he currently had a scraggly two-day beard.

The fact that hadn't been eating much was also apparent. His cheeks were beginning to look sunken and he had dark smudges under his eyes. In effect, he still looked half-dead.

The wizard who ran the Apothecary never commented on Remus's appearance. After all, Remus started work only after all the day's customers were gone, and he spent the rest of his time in the upstairs apartment, sleeping and researching potions. He'd even taken to looking for ingredients after hours, so no one ever saw him. He had to admit that he rather liked the arrangement.

But a few nights ago, Remus had been seized by a terrible loneliness. It had happened when he was alone in the Apothecary after dark, sweeping up the remnants of glass bottles and various reptilian body parts: he suddenly realized that he was truly alone. He'd cut ties with the pack, albeit with good reason, effectively alienating himself from the only people he'd ever known who shared his condition. And as for Sirius…he missed Sirius terribly. James, too. He didn't want to think about what kinds of questions Peter must have thrown around when he arrived home.

Remus knew that his friends would welcome him with open arms if he chose to return, but he couldn't help thinking what kind of time they were having without him. When he left, he'd taken away the problems surrounding full moon, which would have inevitably arisen again since he'd withdrawn from the pack. He also took his anger and disappointment towards Diana, and his shame at what he'd done with her. All in all, Remus imagined that there was a lot less negative energy in the house without him around.

He climbed back into bed and stared up at the ceiling. Being able to research the healing potions uninterrupted was giving him a point of focus, even if it wasn't going terribly well. That, at least, kept him from thinking too much about anything else, and gave him something to look forward to.

Remus rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. After a moment, he got up and shut the curtains to keep the moonlight out.

_Late May_

Greenish bubbles fizzed on the surface of Remus's latest potion. Thought it wasn't an appealing sight, it was a good sign. Of course, it was the third batch that Remus had made, and he was getting better in his handling of potions. However, this particular potion was meant to cure ailments the first time around, and Remus had been on the stuff for a week with little improvement.

Nothing was going according to plan. It had been nearly a month since everything with Tristan had happened, and Remus was still having problems, problems that should have healed much more quickly. He knew that magical healing took time, but the fact that it was taking so _much_ time was discouraging.

It was still taking most of his money, too. Despite the fact that his janitorial work paid well, he was only eating once or twice a week; everything else went towards rent and potion ingredients. He wasn't making any monetary headway at all. He was beginning to feel that his attempt at a new life had been doomed from the start.

Remus sighed and downed the potion. It tasted faintly of "wing of humbug", but there was nothing he could do about that. He figured he could deal with _any_ taste so long as it stopped him coughing up blood.

He took a quick look in the mirror. As usual, he looked like death was stalking him. He'd lost an obscene amount of weight in the month he'd been living above the Apothecary, and, as a result, he was looking rather skeletal. He couldn't remember the last time he'd gotten a haircut. He hadn't shaved in days, and today he wasn't going to have time to clean up before work. No matter, really; if nobody else cared how he looked, Remus didn't particularly care either.

And now…time for work. There hadn't been any obvious sounds of glass breaking during the day, so Remus figured he would have a pretty easy time of it.

As he was rummaging in the broom closet, looking for the dustpan, the bell over the shop's door rang. Remus looked up in surprise. The Apothecary was supposed to be closed, although sometimes people did come in to pick up special orders after hours.

His stomach turned to ice when he saw who had come in.

_Not now,_ he thought as the black-clad figure approached the counter and rang the service bell, _I really don't need this_ now.

The portly wizard – whose name Remus had never learned – appeared from the back room, wiping his hands on his apron.

"Hello, Severus!" he exclaimed when he saw the customer, "Here to pick up those dragon scales?"

"Yes, sir," Snape replied politely. Remus didn't even have to turn around to know that Snape was looking at him. And, knowing Snape, seeing a former Marauder pushing a broom would probably provide him with the best entertainment he'd had in years. Remus frantically tried to think of a way to get back upstairs before Snape saw his face.

"I didn't know you still had customers," he mumbled as the portly wizard passed him to go into the back room.

The wizard waved a hand. "It's all right, kid, you can get started; this is just a special order."

So much for that. Remus sidled as best as he could into a remote aisle and pretended to be busy sweeping.

It worked for about twenty seconds. Then suddenly, Snape was in the aisle as well, browsing a shelf of very expensive potion ingredients in ornate bottles.

"Fancy seeing you here, Lupin," he said without looking at Remus, "I see you've finally gotten out of the dog's house. Anxious for a den of your own, are you?"

Remus could feel anger boiling up inside him, but he didn't want to let Snape have the satisfaction of seeing him snap. So he navigated around the man with a few faked sweeping motions and said only,

"Things change."

Snape, however, seemed determined to get a reaction.

"Does your boss know what he's hired to sweep his floors?" he sneered, giving Remus a distasteful look.

"He doesn't seem to care," Remus replied calmly as he swept up some unidentifiable animal bits. He wasn't about to admit that the portly wizard had no idea that he was a werewolf, nor was he stupid enough to say that he had worried about his job security more than once. Both statements would give Snape an edge.

"Well, he obviously doesn't care about the appearance of his employees, or the way they smell," Snape said nastily, wrinkling his nose.

_It's no different from the way you smelled every day at school,_ Remus thought. But this time he kept his mouth shut and made to move to the next aisle.

"Though I can't really blame you," Snape continued with the air of someone reaching his finale, "Being close to a dog for too long can do things to a person."

Remus couldn't hold it in any longer, although he attempted to keep his calm façade as he turned to face Snape.

"If you keep messing around, Severus, you're going to regret it," he snarled, his eyes narrowing.

Snape smirked. "What are you going to do, Lupin? Bite me?"

The broom clattered to the floor as Remus's hand shot out and closed around Snape's throat. Snape struggled and gagged as Remus lifted him off the ground with amazing strength for a man who hadn't eaten in days. Remus brought his face to within an inch of Snape's and bared his teeth.

"Don't tempt me," he growled darkly, watching Snape's feet scrabble at the air as if trying to run. He held on a moment longer, then dropped Snape on the floor and stood back, breathing heavily.

Snape coughed and wiped his eyes. He seemed just about to say something when the portly wizard returned from the back room. Remus hurriedly picked up the broom and tried to look as if he'd been working. Snape scrambled to his feet and became intently interested in the ornate bottles again.

The portly wizard unknowingly blocked Remus's second attempt to escape the aisle when he came over, carrying a small burlap sack.

"Here you are, Severus," he said, handing the sack to Snape, "Is there anything else you'll be wanting today?"

"I was looking at this," Snape replied, delicately picking up one of the ornate bottles that was filled with metallic powder, "But I'm not sure I should –"

There was a crash and Remus turned just in time to see a cloud of hoary dust go up from the broken bottle. Quite a bit of the cloud went up his nose with an odd tingling sensation.

"Oops," Snape said, and it would have seemed sincere if not for the nasty gleam of a smile that Remus caught in his eye.

"Dammit!" the portly wizard exclaimed, "Severus, if you weren't one of my best customers, I'd throw you out! Silver dust is _expensive_, and it's hard as hell to get!"

"I'm quite prepared to pay for it," Snape replied calmly, reaching into his pocket and withdrawing a handful of coins.

Remus stared at Snape in horror, his mind racing. Why had it never occurred to him that the Apothecary might stock silver things? And what could silver dust do to him? Was he standing in the middle of the aisle and dying as Snape smugly paid up?

However, nothing happened as Snape doled out the money, turned, and left the shop. The initial tingling sensation seemed to be it, and Remus was just beginning to think that he might be overreacting when he sneezed violently.

"Bless you," said the portly wizard vaguely. He'd gone behind the back counter and was thumbing through an enormous ledger.

Remus sniffled and took his hand away from his face. He found himself staring at blood and barely had time to be appalled before he sneezed again.

It was the most painful sneeze he'd ever experienced. Blood shot out of his nose and ran down his face. He frantically pulled out a handkerchief and tried to clean it up. As he was doing so, he sneezed a third time. His mouth filled with blood and he gagged. He was beginning to feel lightheaded.

The portly wizard looked up from his ledger just in time to see Remus collapse heavily against a shelf.

"Whoa, kid, are you okay?" he exclaimed, scrambling towards the front of the shop. He eased Remus away from the shelf and tried to support him. Remus waved his blood-soaked handkerchief.

"I'm fine," he wheezed.

"Far from that; you're bleeding all over yourself. What the hell happened?"

Remus couldn't think of a way to answer the question that wouldn't immediately give away the fact that he was a werewolf. He couldn't very well talk, anyway; he felt another sneeze coming on.

It was violent and messy. By now, the handkerchief was too wet to be of much help, and most of the blood ran through Remus's fingers and down his arm. He couldn't believe how much blood he was losing. If he sneezed too many more times, he was going to pass out, or worse.

Suddenly, the portly wizard was shoving a bottle in his face.

"Drink this," he ordered, though his tone was gentle, "It'll stop the bleeding."

Remus didn't question how the portly wizard knew this; he just took the bottle and drained the contents before he could sneeze again. Slowly, the stinging pain in his chest subsided and he was able to stand up.

"Thank you," he managed, sniffling a little. He still felt quite dizzy, but the fact that he wasn't spewing large quantities of blood out his nose was a relief.

The portly wizard shook his head. To Remus's surprise, he looked concerned.

"No problem," he said, "But I've gotta ask you a question."

Remus was wary. He wasn't quite sure what to expect, and he didn't think he could handle any more drama at the moment. Nevertheless, he nodded.

"Why didn't you tell me you were a werewolf?"

The question didn't entirely surprise Remus; in fact, he'd been dreading something like it ever since he'd gotten the janitor job. And, he supposed, it wasn't terribly hard to figure out after an episode like the one that had just occurred. So Remus answered truthfully.

"I figured you wouldn't rent me a room if you knew," he said.

"Why would I care about a thing like that?" the portly wizard exclaimed, "What with some of the people I get in here, a werewolf is nothing. Besides, you seem like a nice kid, and you don't ever bother anybody."

Remus stared at the man in disbelief.

"So you're not going to fire me?" he asked.

"Fire you? Hell, you could be a were_chicken_ for all I care; you do you job, you do it well, and you don't complain. With the trouble I've had getting janitors, that's all I ask for."

Remus's disbelief continued, but there was suddenly a great deal of relief mixed with it. He really couldn't believe that someone – and not just anyone, his _boss_ – didn't care that he was a werewolf. Despite everything that Diana had ever told him about acceptance and not being ashamed of what he was, Remus had never quite wrapped his head around the possibility that someone other than the Marauders or other werewolves could be okay with his condition. For a moment, he stood dumbstruck, not sure what to say.

"Er…thanks," he said finally.

"You don't have to thank me, kid. It's not a big deal," the portly wizard replied, "I just wish you'd told me sooner; I could have rearranged a bit so you wouldn't have to work around the silver stuff…not that people buy silver that often, anyway, it's expensive as hell and you have to be real careful with –" He suddenly broke off and peered at Remus's face as if he'd never seen it before.

"When was the last time you ate, kid?"

Remus shrugged. "I don't remember. Three or four days ago, I think."

"You haven't been spending _all _your pay on potions stuff, have you?"

"Well…that and rent, really," Remus admitted, feeling a bit foolish for some reason. The portly wizard shook his head again.

"I don't know what the rest of your life's been like, but you don't have to take a beating while you're here. In fact" – he reached into his pocket and pulled out some coins, which he pushed into Remus's hand – "Go over to the Leaky Cauldron and have a decent meal. And you don't have to keep paying me rent every month."

"But –" Remus started to protest, but the wizard held up a hand.

"Nobody lives up there most of the time, anyway. Besides, it's not like I'm hurting for money. Now go on, go get something to eat."

Remus looked from the coins in his hand to the portly wizard and back again. What could he say? He _was _hungry, and he had to admit that it hadn't been a picnic having to cut out food in order to stay inside his meager budget. So he decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth this time, and went upstairs to change before heading out to the Leaky Cauldron for dinner.

"So how'd your Divination study go, Wormtail?" James asked as he pulled two beers and a ginger ale out of the fridge. He, Sirius, and Peter were in his kitchen, catching up on things while Lily was out shopping with Harry.

"It was fascinating," Peter replied, taking the proffered ginger ale, "There's quite a lot more to crystal balls than I thought."

Sirius laughed. "Even after all that time you spent locked in your room with one, eh?"

"Divination is a very precise study," Peter said cryptically as he struggled with the top on the ginger ale bottle. James took it from him and opened it with ease. Peter's ears went red and Sirius laughed again.

"Doesn't change a person, though," he commented, taking a swig of beer.

James laughed, as well. "Doesn't seem to. Honestly, though, this is strange."

"Us standing around like this without your wife trying to get us to eat, or be quiet, or not tell dirty jokes?" Sirius asked with a wicked grin.

"Hey now, do you _object _to when she makes us eat?" James questioned, raising his eyebrows.

"Hell no, her cooking is fabulous. It's just…" Sirius trailed off, "We don't get to be the Marauders much anymore. There's not a whole lot of time for us to be us, the way we used to be."

This statement invoked heavy silence, and Sirius immediately regretted his words. Of course things weren't like they used to be; Remus was very obviously not present, and it was clear that the three of them were having a hard time not mentioning it. Eventually, James cleared his throat.

"Yeah, well, we knew it'd change after school."

"Right," Sirius nodded and became intently interested in his beer.

"I mean, it's been long enough that we ought to be used to it," James continued, although it was clear from his tone that he wasn't convinced of this himself.

Peter looked back and forth between Sirius and James. It seemed to him that there was a whole unseen conversation going on that he wasn't a part of, and it both confused and irritated him. For as long as he could remember, he had been the proverbial little brother of the group, always picked on and always the last to understand what was happening. He'd figured that kind of thing would stop once the Marauders grew up a little, but apparently time hadn't changed anything.

"What are you guys not saying?" he asked finally.

James sighed. "I'd think it was obvious, Wormtail."

Peter looked at him for a moment, still confused. Then it seemed to dawn on him and he frowned.

"Are you two still worrying about Moony?"

James and Sirius looked at each other, not quite sure where the conversation was going. It was Sirius who answered.

"Of course. It's kind of hard not to. I mean, he's never been out on his own before. Not without us, at any rate."

"Don't you think he can take care of himself by now?" Peter asked, still frowning.

"Look, Wormtail, you don't know what happened while you were gone, so it's probably better if you don't try to figure things out," Sirius advised tetchily.

"I just don't understand why you guys baby him so much," Peter whined, "He's an adult; he doesn't need us looking over his shoulder anymore."

"You know why," James said, sounding a bit annoyed, "Or at least, you should."

"I would hope Divination didn't rattle your brain _that _much," Sirius added darkly.

"But…is that really our problem now, though?" Peter persisted, "I mean, he dealt with it before he met us, I'm sure, and he's obviously dealing all right now, since he hasn't bothered to come crying home or anything –"

He didn't get to finish his sentence because Sirius's hand came out of nowhere and smacked him so hard across the face that he ricocheted off the table and collided with the wall. There was a crash and a sad fizzing noise as his ginger ale bottle shattered on the floor.

"How dare you," Sirius spat, his voice low, "When all Moony ever did, all any of us did, is put up with your sorry arse! How dareyou talk about him like that!"

James grabbed Sirius's arm as he advanced on Peter, who was cowering by the wall, sniveling.

"And how _dare_ you come back here and act like a whiney bastard and still expect us to treat you like a kid brother! If anybody's come crying home, it's _you_!" Sirius yelled, trying to break out of James's grip.

"Sirius, calm down!" James exclaimed. Peter looked as if he was trying to dig his way into the wall.

"Dammit, James, let me _go_!" Sirius shot back, "You can't expect me to let him blow off Moony's problems like that!"

"This is Peter we're talking about," James reminded him, "He's had his nose in crystal balls and teacups for two years; cut him some slack!"

"He…doesn't…deserve…slack…" Sirius grunted, still trying to get his arm back. His free hand was clawing futilely in Peter's direction.

"Sirius, stop it _right now_! He doesn't know what happened!" James managed to get a hold on Sirius's other arm and pulled it behind the man's back. Sirius struggled for a minute, and then seemed to calm down.

"You're right," he said as his breathing slowed, "He doesn't. Not that I'd expect him to understand if he did."

James blew out a breath. He knew Sirius had a temper, but he wasn't used to seeing it flare up so suddenly or so violently.

"If I let you go now, you're not going to attack Wormtail again, right?" he asked slowly.

"Not unless he deserves it," Sirius muttered.

"Come on, Padfoot, don't be stupid," James warned. Sirius sighed.

"Fine, all right, okay, I won't hurt him," he grumbled. James nodded and relaxed his grip on Sirius's arms.

It took an obvious effort for Sirius to remain where he was, but he managed it with only a quick angry glance in Peter's direction. James sighed again and went over to help Peter up, but Peter wouldn't let him.

"If you guys didn't want me around, you could have just said so," he mumbled. He had his face buried in his hands.

"It's not that we don't want you around," James replied, ignoring a sharp snort of sarcastic laughter from Sirius, "It's just…some bad things have happened, and I don't think we're really over Moony's leaving yet."

"I wish you'd tell me what happened," Peter sniffled, wiping his nose on his sleeve, "Moony's my friend, too."

"It's not our story to tell," Sirius said, his voice suddenly sounding faraway and sad, "If Moony ever comes back, maybe he'll tell you, but don't push it."

Suddenly, the front door opened. Sirius and James quickly tried to look as if nothing was wrong. Peter, however, remained seated by the wall with his knees drawn up to his chest.

"James, I'm home!" Lily said cheerily as she entered the kitchen with Harry on her hip and several bags dangling from her hand. She quickly took in the disheveled table, the broken bottle, and Peter's cowering form, and her smile disappeared.

"What is going on here?" she demanded.

"Er, we were...roughhousing," Sirius stammered.

"Right. And it got a little out of hand," James added.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Honestly, I wish you guys would grow up a bit. What kind of influence are you going to be on Harry?"

"Dah!" Harry exclaimed, banging a small stuffed giraffe against Lily's ear.

"That's right, honey," Lily cooed, "Daddy's silly, yes he is." Then she headed for the stairs, but not without a backward glance at James that said plainly that she knew more than roughhousing had been going on.

"C'mon, Wormtail, get up," James requested once Lily was out of earshot. Peter sniffled again and dragged himself to his feet, looking wretched.

"We'd better go," Sirius said quietly. Peter's eyes widened but he said nothing.

"Yeah," James nodded, "I'm going to get an earful once she's put Harry down for his nap."

"I'm sorry, Prongs. I just…I can't…" Sirius trailed off, shaking his head.

James put a hand on his shoulder. "I know this is hard for you. Just…don't kill Wormtail, all right?"

Sirius looked at Peter, standing with his back to the wall and occasionally dabbing at his red-rimmed eyes. For a moment, he had trouble fathoming why the Marauders had accepted someone like Peter for so long. Peter was the kind of person they used to pick on in school, a sniveling little brat who was constantly trying to get attention. But, they'd taken him in and decided to make him one of their own for reasons that were lost in the whirlwind of their school days. James still seemed to see something in Peter, though, so Sirius consented.

"We'll be fine," he said with a nod.

It was only later, when he was back home sulking at the kitchen table, that Sirius remembered what night it was.

Remus was sequestered in his bedroom, curled up in bed with yet another book on potions, when he started to twitch. At first he ignored it; there were so many bizarre side effects to the potions he'd been taking that he rarely worried about bodily ticks and twinges. However, when his hands began shaking so violently that the print on the pages became a blur, he got out of bed and went in search of the list of potions he'd taken in the last week.

That's when he saw the light. It looked harmless, really, just a small band of off-white brightness peeking through the curtains and splashing across the floor, but it slammed into Remus's senses like a spotlight. He wrenched the curtains open and found himself staring at a full moon, hanging low on the horizon in a manner that seemed to be mocking him. He felt his teeth start to lengthen.

"Shit," he muttered, grabbing his wand. This was something that he hadn't had much time to think about, what with all the other problems he'd been having. Transforming inside the apartment would most definitely be a bad idea, but Remus wasn't quite sure where he could go. But he wasstarting to transform already, and in a few minutes he wouldn't be able to make any kind of decision at all.

Finally, despite the fact that he didn't like the thought one bit, he Apparated to the farthest point in the woods from the house where the pack met. It was the only forest he could think of that didn't have any kind of settlement near it, and he figured that he probably wouldn't run into anybody, human or werewolf. He just barely managed to get out of his clothes before the moon took him and he was a man no longer.


	9. Summer & Early Fall, 1981

**Chapter 9 – Summer & Early Fall, 1981**

_July_

Sirius stared at the wall, floating somewhere between disbelief and puzzlement. He knew he should be happy; he'd finally found Remus, and he'd been at that for almost two months. But the fact that it had taken him that long was disturbing, considering just _how _close by Remus had turned out to be.

That was the other part of it, of course. When Remus had left, it seemed like he was untouchable, sequestered from the world, and that had pretty much been the only thing that had kept Sirius from physically going to find him. It wasn't that he disrespected Remus's wishes; he just wanted to see his friend in person and make sure he was all right. But that hadn't seemed like a possibility, and Sirius had pretty much resigned himself to the fact that he wouldn't see Remus again until Remus decided to come home.

But now…Remus was in Diagon Alley, for God's sake. How could he expect Sirius to stay away from Diagon Alley? And why the heck had he chosen someplace so close by, so _public_, to run away to?

Then again, Sirius figured, he had to start thinking more like Remus. Remus wasn't the kind of person to do things without at least considering the consequences first. He rarely jumped into anything, and moving to someplace he didn't know well could be disastrous for him. After all, he needed somewhere to transform, and he couldn't spend all his time in a new place trying to find one. So, for an abrupt move, Diagon Alley made some sort of sense. But asking not to be followed…that posed some problems.

Sirius sighed. For the first time in his life, he was at a loss for what to do. He – or he and James – had always had a plan for every situation, but this...this was different. And, frankly, it stunk. He hated missing Remus, he hated not knowing what was going on, and he hated being alone in the house with Peter all the time.

That was another thing. Peter had always been a bit annoying, but his time away from the other Marauders seemed to have amplified it. He _whistled _all the time, and he was absolutely terrible at it, but Sirius no longer had the energy to get angry about it.

It was almost nauseating to see Peter so apparently happy. Sometimes Sirius had to wonder what the hell it was that he was so happy about. And then he had to wonder if Peter was only acting happy to avoid getting smacked around again. Either way, Sirius was miserable, and not having someone to share the mood with annoyed him.

He'd tried to go out one night and have a good time, but found it impossible. Sure, he'd met a couple of girls and flirted with them, but his heart hadn't been in it. If he couldn't go home and have a beer with his friends afterwards, what was the point?

He couldn't very well go bothering James and Lily whenever he wanted entertainment; they had Harry to take care of, and besides, Lily had no idea what had happened with Remus. It had been torture for Sirius just to tell James about it. Every time he thought about that morning, all he could see was the way Remus had looked when he came home: bruised, bloody, and barely able to stand. Remembering it killed him inside as much as seeing it the first time had, so Sirius preferred to keep the image buried as much as was possible.

And yet it still surfaced, unbidden, mostly in his dreams, and he would wake up worrying. He'd tried a hundred different ways to convince himself that Remus was probably fine, and that there was no reason to be concerned or lose sleep, but of course, none of them worked. It was impossible to be as close as the Marauders had been and not worry about each other. Sirius could only hope that Remus knew how much he was missed.

Remus was extremely surprised when an owl landed outside his bedroom window and hooted to be let in. He set aside his book and opened the window, wondering who in the world would be sending him a letter. Who even knew where he was?

The owl dropped the letter on the table. The envelope was addressed simply, "Remus Lupin, Diagon Alley", which puzzled Remus a bit. He opened the letter, smoothed it out, and scanned it. When he saw the signature at the bottom, he waved the owl away. He felt almost certain that he wasn't going to want to answer.

"Hi, Moony," he read,

_How are you? I know you're in Diagon Alley, and I hope you're not too upset with me for finding that out, but I had to at least know where you were. Don't worry, I'm not coming to find you; I just wanted to fill you in on what's been going on around here._

_ Harry's first birthday is coming up, and Prongs and Lily are just about going crazy trying to decide how to celebrate. It's actually kind of cute, the two of them running around, making plans, when it's obvious that Harry hasn't a clue as to what's going on._

_ Wormtail is being…bizarre. He's still obsessed with Divination and spends most of his time in his room, which isn't too different from what he used to do before he left, but now he seems to be happy about it. I have no idea what's gotten into him. Really, when was the last time you saw Wormtail happy? Could it be that he's finally found something he can do well? That's a rather scary thought, if you ask me. Peter with a niche. Think about it; it's frightening._

_ As for me, I've been trying to help Prongs and Lily with the birthday preparations, up to and including babysitting Harry while they shop. It's been interesting, coming home and having to clean mashed fruit out of my hair. I've hardly had the energy to go out, and you'd probably be happy to know that I haven't been drunk in a week. Be proud of me, Moony!_

_ I hope you're doing okay. I wish I knew _what _you were doing so I could poke fun at you (haha). You're definitely missed._

_ Padfoot_

The letter seemed normal, but Remus knew better. He knew Sirius well enough to recognize that the man was worried. The letter was his way of checking to see if Remus was all right, and Remus wasn't sure whether to be grateful or angry.

On the one hand, it felt good to have a small connection with the Marauders, just to know what was going on and how things had been. But on the other hand, Remus had spent weeks convincing himself that he was a burden to his friends and that there was no reason for him to go home, and having that challenged didn't sit well.

Still, he had to wonder how the other Marauders were._HHHhalkdjflkdj_ He had a hard time picturing Peter finally being happy with a hobby of his own, especially after watching him attempt to mimic Sirius and James for so many years at school.

And he'd entirely forgotten about Harry's birthday. Remus could only imagine how goofy Sirius would be when _that _rolled around. James would be positively giddy. Overall, it seemed, the mood was good, even if it was strange or hectic.

But it was plain to see that Sirius had not stopped worrying, nor, it seemed, had he tried to put Remus's leaving behind him and live his life like a normal person. Remus suspected, rightly so, that Sirius had been spending his time brooding over tea and wondering how to get him to come home. The letter was proof that Sirius felt the need to reach out, and when Sirius started getting like that, things were definitely not normal.

Remus sighed. All that had happened leading up to his moving out had been over and done for quite a while now. With the exception of full moons, his life was going pretty well. He'd pretty much been able to stop taking potions and had a bit of money saved up. He'd even been thinking about finding another place to live, if he could swing it. And he'd almost been able to stop thinking about his past with his friends.

He looked at the letter again. Yes, almost, but not entirely. Something like Sirius's letter only served to pull the recollections of the Marauders' school days up from the depths of his memory, and he couldn't deal with that. He had to be on his own. The Marauders had helped him in the past, but now it was time to be independent, to let them do their thing without having to look out for poor Remus.

Poor Remus, who had been the reason the Marauders had started. Poor Remus, who had problems no one else could imagine. Poor Remus, who needed his friends in order to function.

Remus shook his head, trying to dismiss the thoughts and the anger that was rising with them. He _wasn't _incapable of being on his own. He knew that. And no one had ever said he was. But, for some reason, the fact that Sirius had spent time trying to find him was making him feel like he was being babied, and he'd never liked that.

"I can deal," he said to himself, and moved to throw the letter in the garbage. However, he found himself unable to do so and, after another minute or two of staring at the paper, he opened a drawer under the bedroom table and dropped the letter in. He could always get rid of it later.

_August_

Sirius wasn't surprised that he hadn't received a reply from Remus. He hadn't expected one, really. All he'd intended to do by sending the letter was to catch Remus up on things. Or so he'd been trying to convince himself for the past two weeks.

In truth, Sirius was still kind of worried about Remus being out on his own, even though it had been almost four months since he'd moved out. And now some things were starting to happen that Sirius really wished Remus was around for, not only so that he'd know what was going on, but so that Sirius himself could have some emotional support.

It was widely known that Voldemort – or "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named", as most people called him – had been terrorizing the wizarding world on a large scale for at the last decade. He had a powerful network of Dark wizards working under him, and the Ministry of Magic had pretty much started allowing their agents to do whatever was necessary to keep Dark forces at bay. Many wizards outside of the Ministry were also opposing Voldemort, and despite all pleading, insistence, and advice to the contrary, James and Lily had joined in the efforts.

Although he wouldn't show it, Sirius was scared to death for them. Dealing with Voldemort's minions was an extremely dangerous business, and they had a son to raise. Of course, James said that was why they were working against Voldemort: to ensure that Harry had a safe future. Sirius didn't understand their reasoning; if they weren't careful, Harry might not _have _a future.

Of course, Lily and James had talked about moving. They figured that, since Harry wasn't old enough to have put down any kind of roots, he'd be able to handle it, and they also thought that moving here and there once and a while would confuse any Dark wizards who might be watching them. They also stressed how they wanted to keep danger away from their family and friends. In fact, it seemed that Lily and James were looking out for everyone.

Sirius took a deep breath. He couldn't remember the last time he'd worried so much, and it had to stop. He knew, somewhere deep down, that Remus was fine, and that Lily and James had their lives under control, but the part of him that was a friend and a godfather was working overtime. It was time to get his brain to shut up.

Sirius dragged himself to his feet and pulled out his wand.

"Hey Wormtail," he called down the hall, "I'm going to Hogsmede. I'll be back later."

Sunlight filtered through the window and prodded Sirius's eyelids. Sirius groaned and rolled over, pulling the covers over his head. It was later, all right, and "later" came with a massive hangover. He tried to go back to sleep but was immediately roused by a tentative tap on the door.

"Padfoot?" Peter's voice came from out in the hall.

"Go away," Sirius snapped, shoving his head under the pillows.

"But Prongs is coming over in ten minutes. He said he wanted to talk to you."

Sirius grumbled and hauled himself out of bed. He was halfway through putting on a clean pair of pants when what Peter had said actually sank in.

"Talk to me about what?" he asked, knowing that Peter was apt to stand outside the door until someone shouted at him to leave.

"I don't know," Peter replied, "He just asked me to tell you he was coming over, and when I said you were still in bed he told me to wake you up."

"Crap," Sirius muttered, trying to get dressed faster. With what had been going on, this news didn't bode well. Sirius found himself almost dreading what James was going to say.

James appeared in the kitchen a few minutes later, looking thoughtful. Sirius was a bit relieved that his friend wasn't upset, but he found himself making tea out of a sort of nervous habit.

"So Prongs, what's up?" he asked as casually as was possible.

James didn't reply immediately. When Sirius turned to look, he found the man staring at the wall with his chin in his hand.

"They want us to move, Padfoot," he said eventually. He didn't look up when Sirius set the tea things on the table.

"Well, I knew that much," Sirius replied, stirring his own tea uneasily. He wasn't quite sure what he was about to hear, but it had to be something bad. He'd never seen James quite so spacey before.

"No," James shook his head slowly, "Not like we've been talking about."

"There's more than one way to move?" Sirius asked, trying to add some levity to the conversation. James didn't notice.

"Dumbledore thinks we should go into hiding," he continued, still staring at the wall. Sirius blinked. Could James mean…no, it couldn't be that bad. Could it?

"We're not talking the Fidelius Charm, are we?" he inquired finally, hoping against all hope that he was wrong.

James nodded slowly, and Sirius felt like a vice had been closed on his stomach. He'd had no idea that things were getting that serious out in the world. All those days in school when Dumbledore had talked about "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" and his reign of terror…it had all seemed to be in another place and time, even though it was happening right on many people's doorsteps. But for the longest time, Voldemort and everything related to him had fallen into the category of "things that happened to other people". Now that it was hitting home, Sirius found himself unable to cope with the idea.

"He really thinks it's that bad?" he asked after a moment.

James finally looked up, and the look in his eyes froze Sirius through to the bone. He looked like a man who was staring death in the face and wasn't going to back down. But somewhere underneath that strength was a twinge of fear, subtle, but clear as day to Sirius. He had to fight not to shudder.

"I doubt we'd make it through the winter without doing it," James said, his voice leaden, "There's nothing else we _can _do, Padfoot. Lily and I knew this was a risk, and we took it so we could protect people and try to make the world a better place. But now we've got to protect ourselves."

More than ever, Sirius wished that Remus was sitting with them at the table. Remus would know what to say in the situation; he'd know how to act. He wouldn't sit like a fool with his mouth open while his brain struggled to find the right words.

"I…" was all Sirius was able to manage. James nodded.

"Nobody ever said this would be easy," he said quietly. To his surprise and embarrassment, Sirius felt tears welling up in his eyes. He hastily wiped them away with his sleeve and cleared his throat. This definitely wasn't the time to cry.

"Well, you had to do what you had to do," he said, with much more conviction than he felt. Inside his head, thoughts were screaming at him. There was no way that one of his best friends could be in mortal danger. This wasn't the sort of change that was supposed to happen when friends grew up and started families. He'd thought the Marauders' lives were different after they'd graduated school; he couldn't imagine how things were going to change now.

James was still looking at Sirius with that same determined, bone-chilling stare.

"Do you know what _you_ have to do, Padfoot?" he asked, his voice nearly a whisper. For the first time, Sirius met his friend's gaze, and blanched when he realized what was being asked of him.

"Oh good Lord, James," he croaked, "You want _me_…?"

James nodded slowly. "If you'll do it."

"But…the Fidelius Charm…being a Secret-Keeper is important…" Sirius trailed off. It wasn't that he wouldn't want to be Secret-Keeper for the Potters. Hell, he'd do anything for them; he was practically James's brother. But being a Secret-Keeper wasn't only important, it was dangerous. The whole concept of locking a secret up inside one single person was risky, because if someone found out who that person was, there was no end to what could happen in an attempt to try to get him to divulge whatever secret he was keeping. There could be threats, there could be torture, there could be magic...anything.

But it wasn't his own personal safety that Sirius was worried about. His fear was that he wouldn't be strong enough. He was afraid that, no matter how badly he wanted to protect the Potters, he wouldn't be able to stand up against Dark forces if they came looking for him. On the other hand, he loved James, Lily, and Harry, and that sort of thing had the ability to give him the will that he needed.

"I don't expect an answer right now," James said suddenly, his tone gentle, "I just want you to think about it, Padfoot."

Sirius nodded. "Believe me, I will."

_September_

Sirius was still thinking as he pushed open the door to the Apothecary a few weeks later. He was running an errand for James and Lily; Harry had a cold, and they needed a few ingredients for a potion that would make him feel better. Sirius had offered to do the shopping so they could stay home with Harry and, he had to admit, so he could have some time to himself.

Peter had been whistling again, the bloody git. As if there was anything to be happy about. In addition to James and Lily being in practically mortal danger, it was beginning to look like Remus wasn't going to come home.

Sirius didn't want to give up hope on that, but he knew he had to face the facts at some point. Remus had never answered his letter, not even with a quick note of acknowledgement. He'd just stayed sequestered in Diagon Alley, doing whatever it was he'd been doing for the past several months. Obviously, he'd found a life that he was more comfortable with, and that was the way it was going to be.

A door shut somewhere near the back of the store. Sirius ignored the footsteps that followed and continued to poke around aimlessly, half looking for what he was supposed to be buying and half dwelling on his own thoughts. He glanced up briefly as someone passed by in his field of vision. He was so startled by what he saw that he dropped the bottle of blue liquid he was holding. Glass shattered wetly and skittered across the floor.

"Bloody hell, now I'm going to have to clean that up."

Sirius stared at the thin, scraggly, unshaven man who was now standing near the doorway. He couldn't believe his eyes. But the voice was unmistakable.

"Remus?" he gasped, trying futilely not to stare. This man looked almost nothing like Remus; Remus was more hygienic, for one. He'd always kept up his appearance as best he could, even around full moons. His small wardrobe had always been clean and in good condition. But the man who was now standing with his back to Sirius showed no sign of these characteristics. His hair was hanging to his shoulders in tangled masses, his beard had been trimmed half-heartedly at best, and his torn robes had been patched in so many places that they were now almost more patch than robe. His clothes hung from his body as if he'd lost a lot of weight, and his shoulders were stooped.

Remus stopped, and slowly turned around, not wanting to believe what his ears were telling him. And when he saw Sirius standing a few yards away, mouth hanging open and an empty hand cupping the air as if it still held the bottle that was now in pieces on the floor, his mind froze. For a moment, he had no idea what to do or think.

In that moment, Sirius got a good look at Remus's face. He started into his friend's sunken eyes and saw an expression that he never thought he'd see again, an expression he hadn't seen since their early days at Hogwarts: fear, pain, anger, and above all, a desire to be left alone. And then he remembered that it had been full moon not too long ago.

Eventually, Remus got control of his mouth.

"Sirius?" he managed, "What are you doing here?"

"Just picking up some things...but Moony, what happened to you?" Sirius asked, still in shock.

"Why don't you tell me what you're doing here first," Remus retorted, folding his arms across his chest. He was well aware of how he looked, but that didn't make him any more receptive to Sirius's concern.

"I told you, I'm just picking up a few things," Sirius replied, trying to calm down. The suddenness of seeing Remus after nearly five months was hard to handle, and recent events only made it harder. He had an urge to tell Remus everything that had been happening with the Potters, to ask his advice on being a Secret-Keeper, and to just have his friend back. Almost without thinking, he pulled out his wand and cast a Silencing charm around the two of them so that it would be impossible for anyone to listen in on their conversation.

Remus blinked as the charm settled. "What are you doing?"

"I have to talk to you," Sirius replied, his voice taking on a tone of urgency. The tone brought Remus's mind out of its deep freeze. He'd heard it before, that rush of concern, the worried tremor on the edges of the words that always came before someone asked him if he was all right.

And what _was _Sirius doing at the Apothecary, anyway? Sure, he said he was picking something up, but since when did Sirius make potions? Since when had Sirius _ever _gone to the Apothecary, even when they were in school and had needed to get something for a project?

Remus felt anger boiling up inside him. How dare Sirius come and find him now? How dare he barge in, acting like no time had passed, and want to talk?

"I don't want to talk," Remus found himself saying.

"But Moony, this is important!" Sirius exclaimed, sounding distressed.

"And stop calling me 'Moony'," Remus turned his back to Sirius and headed for the door again, but Sirius put a hand on his shoulder.

"This isn't about you," he said quietly, "I had no idea you were here."

"Like hell," Remus muttered. Sirius went on as if he hadn't heard.

"It's about Prongs. And Lily," he said, his voice still soft.

"So talk to them about it," Remus suggested dryly, shrugging off Sirius's hand and trying for the door once more. He didn't entirely understand his sudden aversion to Sirius, but somewhere in his head, a voice was saying that, if Sirius really cared, he'd leave. He'd leave and let Remus live his life for once, without trying to make everything into the way it _had_ been. Without trying to bring Remus back home, mentally or otherwise.

"Remus!" Sirius cried, "This is serious! They've been opposing Voldemort and now they have to go into hiding and Prongs wants me to be their Secret-Keeper!"

The words came out in such a rush that Remus barely heard them over his own thoughts. On top of everything else, he'd had a terrible full moon. He'd ruined his clothes, he'd gotten smacked in the ribs by so many tree branches that it was a wonder he was upright, and he was pretty sure that he'd eaten someone's chickens. He woke up the morning after feeling sore, exhausted, and embarrassed, and had spent quite a bit of time picking bits of feathers out of his teeth. Needless to say, his mood was suffering.

Sirius was still rambling on about James and Lily in a way that Remus suddenly found very irritating. He hadn't heard much of what was being said, and he really didn't want to. He had enough problems of his own; the last thing he needed was someone trying to confide in him.

"…and I don't know what to do," Sirius was saying, "If I agree and something bad happens, I'll never forgive myself, but if I say no –"

"Sirius, just shut up!" Remus exclaimed, rounding on Sirius, "I don't want to hear about this, okay? I left the house for a reason, and I don't want to go back."

Sirius was taken aback. "What are you talking about?"

"You!" Remus snapped, "You having to know where I am and how I am, and then coming to find me and dumping all this crap on me! Does it look like I need this right now?"

"I thought you'd care about this!" Sirius cried, sounding hurt, "I thought you knew that, no matter what happens, we're all still friends!"

"That doesn't mean you have to hunt me down," Remus replied coldly, "I don't need you checking up on me, Sirius. I'm an adult; I don't need you looking over my shoulder anymore."

The words were like a slap in the face to Sirius. He'd heard them before, from Peter, only a few months ago, but it hurt far more to hear them coming from Remus. At least Peter was a fool, and Sirius was used to him saying stupid things. But hearing those kinds of words from Remus was like being tossed aside and told he wasn't wanted. It was like Remus was throwing their friendship of years down the toilet without caring. For the first time since Sirius could remember, Remus was putting himself first, and it was unnerving.

"You really could care less, couldn't you?" Sirius found himself saying, "You're just stuck in whatever it is you've been doing here with your new life and you don't give a damn about what's going on at home."

"You're right, I don't!" Remus shouted, "I told you, I left for a reason. Just let me _go_, Sirius! You don't need me bogging you down, and I don't need you checking up on me. For once in your life, let something slide and forget I exist, okay? Just leave me the hell alone."

Sirius started at Remus with a mix of anger and surprise. How could someone who had always been so sensible and caring suddenly start acting like such a jerk? It was like Remus had reverted to the scared child he'd been when they'd all started Hogwarts, and his only goal was to keep people away from him.

Well, that wouldn't work, not after the Marauders had been friends for so long. Even Peter, with all his annoying idiosyncrasies, didn't get left out of the group that often. The Marauders had always cared about each other, and Sirius found himself becoming angry with the fact that Remus wanted them to recant on that. That wasn't something he could demand.

Remus was trying to get out the door again, but Sirius wasn't about to let him leave.

"You can walk out that door right now, but you can't make me stop caring about you," he said quietly, "And you can't stop me from trying to make you understand what's been going on."

Remus stiffened and looked over his shoulder at Sirius.

"Don't you get it? I don't _want_ to understand," he growled, "I don't want to go back to the way things were. You guys have been getting along fine without me for months, so just let me leave and pretend you never saw me."

"I can't do that," Sirius said firmly.

"Fine!" Remus threw his hands in the air in exasperation, "I don't care! I really don't care if you tell the whole damn world I'm here as long as you stop bothering me. I've got a life here, and I'm not going back!"

"You keep saying that!" Sirius surprised himself by yelling, "'I don't want to go back.' Back to what? Back to your friends? Back to people who don't care what you are? Back to a group you can actually be comfortable in?"

Remus opened his mouth to shoot back something nasty, then realized that he had no reply. What could he say? No matter how many times he'd tried to convince himself otherwise, he knew deep down that he wasn't really running from the Marauders. There was no reason to. Everything Sirius said was true: they were all friends, and they didn't care that Remus was what he was. And as for the rest, the only other place where Remus had ever truly felt comfortable with himself was in the pack.

Almost as if he was reading Remus's thoughts, Sirius seemed to come to a realization.

"This isn't about us, is it?" he said suddenly, his eyes narrowing, "This is about Diana and that bloody pack of werewolves. They're the reason why you're here."

Remus sighed. "Sirius, don't go into this now…"

"I will," Sirius shot back, "Because that's the entire reason, isn't it? You being here and isolating yourself from everybody is because of what happened to you in that pack. And you talk about _me _not being able to let things go?"

"Well, what would you do?" Remus demanded, "How would you deal? That's not something I can just forget about! Diana and I…what we did…what she did to me…it was wrong, all of it. She led me into something that I couldn't get out of before it was too late."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "No, you know what, Remus? Diana didn't lead you into the pack. You led yourself in. You're the one who decided to check it out, you're the one who wanted to keep going back, and you're the one who kept immersing yourself in it deeper and deeper. I didn't say anything because you were happy, but now I know what was happening. It was just what James was afraid of: you forgot you were human. You're still forgetting. You're letting one night drag your whole life down into some gutter, and if you don't turn things around, you're never going to be able to climb out."

"You have no idea what I went through!" Remus yelled, taking a step towards Sirius and clenching his fists, "You're Mr. Charisma, and romance and sex don't mean anything to you. But dear God, Sirius, I had everything ripped away from me that night! My virginity, my dignity, any thought or hope I had of tolerating what I am, all gone. And I sure as hell didn't take that from myself."

"But you didn't give yourself a chance to recover anything," Sirius pointed out coolly, "You could have gotten back on your feet and your dignity would've followed. Now look at you. Look at what you've become, what you've made yourself. You've got people who care about you and want to help you, but you're wallowing so deep in self-pity that you can't see it."

"So that's what you think this is? Me pitying myself?" Remus said, his voice low and dangerous.

"That's sure as hell what it looks like," Sirius spat, folding his arms across his chest and glaring at Remus.

"Fine. You know what? You can think what you want. I've got a life here that I'm just fine with, and it has nothing to do with self-pity. If anything, I'm trying to make things better for myself." With that, Remus considered the conversation closed. But, as he reached for his wand to break the Silencing charm, Sirius caught his sleeve.

"This is 'better'?" he demanded, gripping the grubby, patched cloth angrily, "You look dead, Remus! And somewhere inside of you, I think you _are _dead. Back before all this happened, you wouldn't have hesitated for a second to come home and help Lily and James. You loved them. But now you're so stuck on yourself and how bad _you_ have it that you don't even want to listen. God, Remus, what have you turned into?"

Remus yanked his arm away from Sirius and stepped back.

"I don't have to take this from you," he hissed, "You don't know what's been going on, and you have no right to barge into my life and assume that you know what I'm thinking. Things have changed, Sirius. I've changed. Just accept that and move on."

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "You're right, you _have _changed and, frankly, I don't want to know what you're thinking. And I definitely don't have to accept the fact that you're letting the moon turn you into a bastard."

"Damn it, Sirius, shut up!" Remus bellowed, storming over to the door and throwing it open. He pointed a shaking finger into the street and nearly shrieked, "Get the hell out of here _now_!"

For a moment, Sirius stood still, glaring at Remus. Suddenly, his hand shot out and swept violently along the nearest shelf, sending every bottle and vial crashing to the floor. Liquids splashed, powders puffed, and sparks went up as everything reacted and, in some cases, started eating holes in the floor. Then Sirius swept out the door without a backward glance.

By the time he'd passed the Leaky Cauldron, he was nearly blinded by tears. He leaned against the wall let the sobs take him for a few moments, ignoring everything that was going on around him.

He couldn't believe how terrible Remus had looked, and sounded, and acted. He really was back to the way he'd been in their first year of Hogwarts: defensive, with all his walls up, not wanting anyone near him. Not wanting his own life. Not wanting anything. And it was absolutely horrible to see him like that, but it was worse to know that his lack of caring now extended to his friends, as well.

Worst of all for Sirius, though, was the realization that he had to let Remus go so that he could help James. For the first time, he had to walk away from one of his friends. However, a tiny part of him couldn't help thinking if it wouldn't turn out to be for the best.

Remus shoved the mop back into the closet and slammed the door. As soon as Sirius left, of course, the Silencing charm had been broken, and the portly wizard heard the racket that the various ingredients were making as they reacted with each other. He'd come out from the back room, taken one look at the mess, and lit into Remus without allowing for any explanation. Apparently, he'd been having just as bad of a day as Remus had, because he was usually much more accommodating.

Whatever the reason, that had been the last straw for Remus. He'd kept his mouth shut about what really happened and let the portly wizard deduct the cost of everything from his next few weeks' worth of wages. He'd been a good person and cleaned up. But now it was time to do what he should have done a long time ago.

He turned his collar up and walked purposefully out the door, pausing only to make sure that no one was watching him before turning and slipping into an alley between two discreet square buildings.

Artificial twilight closed in around him. It came partly from the fact that, here, there were too many shops built too close together, although it was also hard to have much light in a place where so much evil congregated. Sunlight rarely penetrated Knockturn Alley.

Several sinister-looking wizards gave Remus nasty looks as he passed, but he pretended not to notice. He knew what he'd come for, and he was going to get it and leave before the nasty looks became nasty actions. He kept on walking and didn't stop until he came to a small shop tucked between Borgin & Burkes and some kind of devious bookstore. He stood for a moment, looking at the dingy window by the door and breathing slowly. Then he pushed the door open and went inside.

A musty smell greeted him, and he was glad to find that the shop was empty apart from the shopkeeper, who was sitting behind the counter, picking his teeth with disgustingly yellow fingernails. He watched Remus closely with small, cold eyes as Remus walked around the shop, browsing as quickly as he could for what he wanted.

It didn't take him long. Among the various knives, swords, crossbows, axes, and other unpleasant – and occasionally cursed – weapons that were lying haphazardly on the shop's shelves, there was one corner in which a few things had been organized neatly into a display case. And positioned front and center was a foot-long dagger with a polished wooden hilt and a leather sheath. The blade gleamed maliciously at Remus as he stared down at it, fighting his urge to run out of the shop without completing his errand.

"You buyin' or just scopin' out the place?" the shopkeeper demanded, appearing suddenly at Remus's elbow. Remus jumped.

"I, er, I'm buying," he stammered. He pointed to the display case and cleared his throat. "I want the one in front."

The shopkeeper grinned, which made Remus's spine shiver unpleasantly, and pulled out his wand. He tapped the display case and muttered an incantation.

"Very expensive, sir," he said smoothly as the case sprang open, "Very hard to get, these are."

"I know," Remus replied, pulling a sack of coins out of his pocket. It contained nearly every knut he'd been able to save while working at the Apothecary, and he felt kind of strange spending so much money at once. But, really, what else could he do with it now?

He followed the shopkeeper back to the counter and waited while the man calculated the total price.

"Anything to clean it with?" the shopkeeper asked.

Remus shook his head. "That won't be necessary."

The shopkeeper grinned again and tapped the side of his nose knowingly. "Ah, protecting yourself from werewolves, sir?"

Remus handed over the money – nearly everything in the sack – and sheathed the dagger, carefully keeping his fingers away from the silver blade.

"Yeah," he replied slowly, "Something like that."

With that, he left the shop and returned to Diagon Alley as quickly as he could.


	10. October, 1981

**Chapter 10 – October, 1981**

_Mid-October_

Sirius, James, and Lily were seated around the Potter's kitchen table, drinking tea and generally trying to avoid discussion. Sirius had agreed to being the Potter's Secret-Keeper several weeks before, and the Fidelius Charm was to be cast the next week. Sirius was trying his best to offer moral support, but it was plain that James and Lily were nervous, and maybe even a little scared.

Sirius couldn't blame them, really. He didn't know exactly what had been going on with their efforts against Voldemort, but the fact that they never talked about it told him that, whatever was happening, it wasn't good. And he knew that it would be very stupid to talk about that kind of thing openly, so he never posed any questions. All he was concerned with was being there for James and Lily as long as they needed him.

But something had been bothering him ever since James had asked him to be Secret-Keeper. He knew that being the Potters' Secret-Keeper was what he had to do, and indeed what he wanted to do, but he still had the uncomfortable feeling that he was overlooking something.

And suddenly, as he got up to clear the tea things from the table, it hit him. He was frightened at how obvious it was, and even more frightened that the thought hadn't crossed his mind sooner. How stupid! How utterly, utterly stupid!

"You okay, Padfoot?"

Sirius realized that he was standing with the teapot in one hand and a saucer in the other, probably looking annoyed and rather silly. He set the things down on the table and sank back into his chair.

"No, Prongs, I'm not," he said slowly, shaking his head, "We've been going through this whole thing without thinking about something very important."

James exchanged a worried glance with Lily. Sirius knew that the last thing the two of them needed was another complication, but he had to bring this up.

"Okay, I know how much you want me to be your Secret-Keeper," he began, looking at James, "And you know I'd do anything for you two, but…" He trailed off and looked around, suddenly feeling nervous. This wasn't something he was inclined to talk about openly, either.

James saw Sirius's unease and guessed the reason for it. He pulled out his wand a cast a Silencing Charm.

"There," he said when it had settled, "Go on, Padfoot."

"Well," Sirius tried again, licking his lips, "I can't help thinking that using me as Secret-Keeper is a little too…obvious. Think about it, Prongs; we're best friends. If someone guessed what was going on, wouldn't it seem natural that I'd be your Secret-Keeper?"

James raised an eyebrow. "What are you saying?"

"Just bear with me," Sirius replied, "God forbid You-Know-Who and his cronies figure out what's going on, I'd bet they'd be absolutely convinced that you'd use me as Secret-Keeper."

"You're not pulling out of this?" James asked, looking devastated. Sirius shook his head quickly.

"Hell no! I'm just trying to think of a better way to do things. All I want is for you, Lily, and Harry to be as safe as possible."

"All right," James blew out a breath, "But it sounds like you think it's a bad idea for us to use you as Secret-Keeper. Last week you were all for it."

"I know I was. But I hadn't thought of this," Sirius shook his head, "You know I'd do my all to keep the secret for you, but face it, none of us knows what You-Know-Who has up his sleeve. If he comes after me, I want to be sure that you'll be okay no matter what happens."

"What are you suggesting we do?" James inquired, sounding strained.

Sirius thought for a moment. What _could_ they do? Whether or not Sirius himself was actually the Secret-Keeper, there was a high probability that Voldemort would come after him. And, really, that wasn't what worried Sirius; he could take care of himself in that respect. Right now, he was most concerned with the Potter's safety. The last thing he wanted was for his best friend's family to end up in the hands of Dark wizards.

Suddenly, and idea struck him. It was bizarre and slightly crazy, but it made sense. And, if handled correctly, it would work. But it would have to be carried out very carefully and very secretly.

James saw the change in Sirius's expression.

"Well?" he prompted. Sirius licked his lips again.

"What if," he began, rubbing his hands together and leaning forward, "What if you used someone else as Secret-Keeper, someone that You-Know-Who would never suspect? It could be like…a safeguard. Think about it: if You-Know-Who thinks _I'm_ Secret-Keeper, he'll come after me, but if I'm actually _not_, then he'd be wasting his time. Then the real Secret-Keeper could be alerted to the danger while You-Know-Who was distracted."

James seemed about to protest, but Lily laid a hand on his arm.

"He has a point," she said quietly, "We could use all the protection we can get."

"I know," James sighed, turning to Sirius, "I guess the only thing I can ask is: who did you have in mind?"

"Wormtail," Sirius replied in all sincerity. James nearly choked on his tea.

"_Peter_? A couple of weeks ago, you wanted to rip his head off!" he exclaimed.

"I know, but Prongs, you were right. Wormtail hasn't been around, and I can't blame him for not understanding what went on with Moony. Really, if we'd let him in on it, he'd never have said what he said," Sirius explained, "And, in the end, we're still friends. He cares about you as much as I do, and you know he'd do anything for you. Remember in school? He practically worshipped you."

James looked hesitant. "That doesn't make him as reliable as you, Padfoot."

"Yeah, but listen, I'm telling you he is," Sirius insisted, "I know he doesn't seem to fit the part, but that's a safeguard in itself. We know he'd work out, but nobody would guess you'd use him as Secret-Keeper. Think about it, Prongs; it's perfect."

James sat back, seeming to consider Sirius's words. After a moment, he looked to Lily and she nodded. That was all the agreement he needed.

"All right," he said to Sirius, "Let's do it."

_Late October_

One thing that Sirius had overlooked when he'd suggested the Secret-Keeper switch was the fact that he would be alone in the house once the Fidelius Charm was cast. Peter was sent to a secure hiding place to keep him out of harm's way, and that left Sirius by himself in the big house that he and the other Marauders had all once shared.

To make matters worse, Sirius began having nightmares only a couple of days after the Fidelius Charm was cast. The dreams were terrible, and more than once he woke up screaming and sweating. Generally he dreamt that Voldemort had somehow discovered Peter or the Potters and was torturing them in the most bloody, relentless way possible. The images haunted his waking hours, as well, and he took to drinking Muggle liquor straight from the bottle until the pictures faded or he passed out.

One night, he dreamt that he found Remus dead in the back of the Apothecary. It was so vivid and so different from Sirius's other nightmares that he had to spend twenty minutes convincing himself that it was just a dream and that it would be a bad idea to try and check on Remus. Then he had a few shots of vodka and went back to bed.

This went on for a week. Every night, Sirius dreamt about something nasty, and every morning he tried to think of an explanation for it before getting so smashed that he couldn't remember his own name. And, try as he may, he could never figure out why his brain was torturing him every night. Usually, he put it down to the fact that he worried too much and went to have another drink.

And then Halloween came.

_October 31st_

Remus sat in front of the fireplace in his bedroom above the Apothecary. He'd never lit a fire in the thing before, but, that night, something had suddenly compelled him to.

Maybe it was the morbid atmosphere of Halloween that had settled around the place. The portly wizard had seemed extremely worried all day, and had locked up the Apothecary earlier than usual. Then he'd given Remus the night off, muttering something about how Dark wizards shouldn't be allowed to mingle with "good people". Apparently, he thought that more Dark forces would be afoot since it was Halloween. Remus thought that was ridiculous and a bit superstitious, but he couldn't argue with a night off.

So, he'd gone back up to his rooms and lit a fire. And as he sat, staring into the flames, he toyed with the silver dagger.

Every time he saw the thing, Remus hated himself. Not because he'd bought it, but because he hadn't had the guts to use it. He felt like a coward, hanging on to a life that was worth nothing. Every day he just kept…existing, waking up, poking around, feeling depressed, doing his job, and going to bed. He was beginning to wonder why he'd ever bothered healing himself. He'd known ever since the night of the mating ritual that his life was over.

And yet, for the longest time, he'd been hanging on. To what? A past that would never return? A life that _had _existed? Some sort of bizarre assurance that, despite everything, he really was a good person deep down?

He'd cut himself with the dagger, just once, about a week ago. It had been the night after full moon and his mind had been wallowing somewhere deep in the waters of depression. He'd taken the dagger out and started to draw it across his left wrist, trying to ignore the burning pain of the silver as it split his skin. He'd been convinced that it was time to finish the job, time to finally stop hurting.

But, as blood coursed out of his wrist and soaked into the sleeve of his robes, he'd gotten scared. He'd spent so much time on self-preservation that it was hard to switch off his instinct to save himself. No matter how badly he hurt inside, something in his brain continued to tell him that he didn't want to die. So he'd stopped the bleeding as best as he could and tried to forget about the dagger.

But, ultimately, he couldn't. It was there, and he'd bought it with every intention of using it. Every day he was sinking deeper into darkness, wishing more and more that he'd let Tristan kill him back on that fateful morning. Sirius had been right. Somewhere inside, Remus had already let himself die. He'd methodically shut down every good part of his life without realizing it and, somehow, he'd lost himself, too.

He tightened his grip on the hilt of the dagger and sat forward.

"This time I'm not going to screw up," he muttered. He took a deep breath and looked into the fire one last time…

Sirius's face was staring out at him from the flames. The dagger clattered to the floor as Remus jumped to his feet in surprise.

"What the _hell_ are you doing here?" he exclaimed, his voice cracking.

"Moony, you've got to come quick. Something happened." Sirius sounded like he was in tears.

"Didn't I tell you to stop calling me 'Moony'?" Remus snapped. He had no idea what was going on, but he definitely wasn't happy about being interrupted.

"This isn't the time for that!" Sirius exclaimed, "Something happened to James and Lily…Remus, you've got to come…"

The broken way Sirius was talking made Remus pause. Sirius didn't cry very often, and after a fight like they'd had, Remus doubted he'd try to make contact again unless there really was something going on.

"What happened?' Remus decided to ask.

Sirius's reply was a jumbled stream of phrases. Remus caught words like "hidden", "safe", and "found", but the one that made his blood run cold was "Voldemort".

"Voldemort found James and Lily? Why weren't they in hiding?" he demanded, kneeling on the hearth so as to be eye-level with Sirius.

"Didn't you hear a word I said when I ran into you last month?" Sirius cried, "They had the Fidelius Charm cast! They were hiding in a Muggle place called Godric's Hollow."

"The Fidelius…but that means…" Remus trailed off, not liking the implications of what Sirius was saying.

"I don't know what happened," Sirius replied, shaking his head, "But I've got to see if there's anything I can do. Are you coming?"

"Just tell me how to get there," Remus said, pulling out his wand. Sirius quickly gave him directions, and added,

"I don't know what you're going to find, but it probably isn't safe to Apparate straight there. Try for the woods outside it and walk. And Moony, I know you're not going to want to hear this, but…"

"What?" Remus asked.

"Be careful," Sirius replied before disappearing.

Sweat ran down Sirius's face despite the cold wind that was whipping past. He was cursing the motorbike almost continually for not being able to go as fast as he wanted, but inside his head, his thoughts were racing.

It had been a week since the Fidelius Charm had been cast, and he'd gone to check on Peter. He kept telling himself that he was only going to see how his friend was getting on, but the truth was that the nightmares had finally gotten to him. He could no longer stand not knowing what was happening in reality.

Only, Peter hadn't been in his hiding place. Sirius had panicked immediately, fearing that his nightmares had come true and Voldemort or one of his cronies had discovered where Peter was staying. But, as the panic subsided, he'd noticed how…well, how _normal _everything looked. There wasn't any sign of struggle, not even something as small as a dropped newspaper or a broken lamp. And, for some reason, that scared Sirius more than a bloodstained floor would have.

There was nothing for it but to go to Godric's Hollow. Something bad was happening, and Sirius needed to see if there was anything he could do. He was only too glad that Remus had agreed to come; he wasn't sure he could handle the situation alone.

Something like smoke began obscuring Sirius's vision, and he was forced to land amid another rising wave of panic. He got off the motorbike practically before it stopped moving and staggered forward a few paces before his brain was able to decode what his eyes were seeing.

In front of him was what remained of a house. It looked as though the roof had caved in and brought the entire second floor down with it, leaving a horrendous mess. Choking black smoke was streaming out of the wreckage and into the chilly night air. Sirius coughed and wiped his eyes before starting towards the ruins.

_Maybe they're still alive. They have to still be alive, _he thought numbly, _Maybe they got out. They could be miles from here by now…they could have had warning…_

Before he could get very far, though, a shape loomed in the smoke. It was tall and wide, and was definitely lumbering in his direction. Sirius panicked again and reached for his wand, not sure what to expect.

The shape loomed closer. Then the smoke cleared a little, revealing Hagrid, the half-giant groundskeeper from Hogwarts. He was carrying something very carefully out of the ruins of the house. Sirius blew out a breath in relief and put his wand away.

"Hagrid!" he called, trying to keep his voice from cracking, "Hagrid, what happened?"

Hagrid squinted through the smoke. "Sirius Black? Is that you?"

"It's me," Sirius affirmed, "What happened?"

"I thought I saw yeh land," Hagrid said, stepping over the sidewalk and into the street. His voice sounded thick and Sirius realized that the big man had been crying. That definitely wasn't a good sign.

"Hagrid," he said again, trying to remain calm, "Can you tell me what happened?"

Hagrid sniffled, pulled a large polka-dot handkerchief out of the recesses of his coat, and proceeded to blow his nose loudly with his one free hand.

"I don't know," he said finally, "You-Know-Who must've found 'em. I have ter get Harry out o' here before somethin' else happens…"

"Harry?" Sirius asked in surprise. He took a closer look at the bundle in Hagrid's arms and realized that it was moving. But, if Harry had survived whatever had gone on, that meant…

"He's scared ter death, poor little thing," Hagrid sighed, trying ineffectively to soothe Harry.

Sirius barely heard a word. He was heading towards the house, his thoughts a disconnected, buzzing jumble inside his head. Suddenly, Hagrid appeared in front of him.

"What're yeh doin'?" Hagrid asked, sounding worried.

"Going in," Sirius replied distantly. Hagrid's eyes grew wide.

"Yeh don't want ter go in there!" he exclaimed, "It's a mess! There's rubble an' dust and…and broken stuff everywhere."

"I don't care," Sirius said firmly, trying to snap out of the daze he was in. He had to go in, no matter what the house looked like. He had to see for himself.

"Sirius, yeh don't understand –"e He Hagrid began.

"Dammit, Hagrid!" Sirius shouted, cutting him off, "Move your big, half-giant arse; I am going into that house!"

Hagrid looked hurt, but he stepped aside. Even he knew better than to tangle with Sirius's temper.

Sirius rushed into the smoke, snapping his flying goggles back over his eyes as he did so. They kept most of the smoke out and he was able to see well enough to find what had been the front door and push his way through.

He stumbled out again about several minutes later, coughing and retching. Awful pictures flashed across his vision, only these weren't from any nightmare. He'd just seen with his own eyes the one thing he'd been dreading: James and Lily's bodies, cold and lifeless, crumpled on the floor amid the broken furniture and fallen beams as if someone had merely disposed of them. Sirius dropped to his knees and threw up.

"I told yeh," Hagrid's voice came from the street. It sounded like he was crying again. Sirius was surprised that he was even still there.

"They're dead, Hagrid," he said slowly, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

"I know," Hagrid replied, "That's why I have ter get Harry out o' here now."

Sirius blinked and looked up as his brain finally processed what Hagrid was saying.

"Where are you taking him?" he demanded.

"He's got ter go ter his aunt an' uncle," Hagrid replied, "Orders from Dumbledore, y'see."

"What?" Sirius exclaimed, "Those prats? They wouldn't know how to treat a kid if you bashed them over the head with a manual! Give Harry to me, Hagrid. I'm his godfather; I can look after him just fine."

Hagrid hesitated. "Dumbledore wants him there."

"Screw that. Harry needs someone he's used to and someone who cares about him," Sirius said, reaching for the bundle in Hagrid's arms. Hagrid backed up a few steps.

"I can't go against orders," he said, shaking his head, "I've got ter go, an' Harry has to come with me."

Sirius ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. Hagrid had such a one-track mind, and was so desperate to stay on good terms with Dumbledore, that it was doubtful he could be swayed from his appointed task. But Sirius was sure that James and Lily wouldn't have wanted their son to be shipped off to a couple of stupid, ungrateful Muggles who had never so much as acknowledged the existence of their nephew. Plus, the smoking wreck of the Potters' house was evidence enough that living among Muggles didn't guarantee safety.

Nor, apparently, did the Fidelius Charm. Sirius felt something starting to click in his mind, and when the pieces finally settled, he nearly screamed. Everything suddenly made sense: the lack of a mess in Peter's hiding place, the nightmares, and the current scene in Godric's Hollow. It could only mean one thing, and now that the panic was clearing from Sirius's brain, that one thing was terribly clear.

And the worst part about it was that it made _sense_. Peter had always been impressed by the "big boys": people with intelligence, or good looks, or power. Most especially power, Sirius recalled, and power was the one thing that Peter had never quite managed to get close to. But now he was in with the biggest and most powerful of them all…on the wrong side.

That was absolutely the only way Voldemort could have found James and Lily. And Peter was probably _happy _about it, the bloody bastard. Sirius could almost see him, with that sappy little grin he got when he was let in on a private joke, prancing off to Voldemort with his precious little gem of information and getting who knew what in return.

Sirius cursed himself inwardly. How had he missed it? Why hadn't he seen the signs? In hindsight, there were plenty of them, the least of which being Peter's irritating, chirpy whistling. Sirius knew now that he should have taken Peter's two years of "Divination study" as some kind of warning sign, especially since Peter had never shown an interest in being out on his own before then. Who knew what he'd said and who he'd said it to during that time? What had he told Voldemort about the Potters _before _the Fidelius Charm was cast?

Knowing there was a chance that the Potters had been even closer to danger than they'd suspected gave Sirius goose bumps. And knowing that he'd willingly allowed Peter to stay in his house for all those months made him sick. But the fact that he'd been the one to convince James and Lily to use Peter as their Secret-Keeper…that was more than Sirius could bear. It was just as bad as if he'd handed them over to Voldemort himself. In effect, that's what he'd done. He'd been so far gone in his own worry and grief that he'd completely failed to see that the biggest problem was right in his own house. If he had known…

The thought was cut off when Harry started to cry.

"Oh no," Hagrid sighed, "There, there, Harry, it's okay…"

"Hagrid," Sirius said quietly when Harry's sobs didn't subside. Hagrid looked up, and was surprised to find tears glistening in Sirius's eyes.

"At least let me hold him," Sirius choked, his voice nearly a whisper. Hagrid couldn't object to that, especially with the look on Sirius's face, so he gently handed Harry over. Sirius took the boy in his arms almost as if it were his own son.

"Shh, c'mon Harry, calm down," Sirius soothed, "It's me, Sirius. You know, the crazy one? I'm here. We're here to help."

Harry quieted down a bit, but he was still anxious. And, as Sirius stared down at the bloody gash across the boy's forehead, there was no way he could bring himself to say that everything would be all right. Even though Harry wouldn't understand the words, Sirius still felt that it was a lie. How could things be all right? Lily and James were dead, and Harry would never get to know them as he grew up. He would never have the love of parents, especially not if he got sent to live with Lily's sister. He was only one year old and he had already lost everything.

And Sirius had lost a best friend. Suddenly, he realized just how much time he and James had spent over the years being drunk rather than being friends, and he cursed that wasted time. There was so much left unsaid and undone, too many things left hanging. And there was nothing that Sirius could do about it now. Somehow, he had to live with what he'd done.

"I've got teh go," Hagrid said tentatively, as if he was afraid of setting Sirius off again.

Sirius sniffled. "Take good care of him, Hagrid."

"Don't yeh worry, I will," Hagrid replied. As Sirius handed Harry back, he looked over his shoulder at the motorbike.

"Take that," he said, wiping his eyes, "It'll be faster."

Hagrid looked surprised. "But that's your bike. Yeh've had it for years!"

"Trust me, I won't need it anymore," Sirius replied, "Take it. Harry needs to get somewhere safe as fast as possible."

Hagrid seemed unsure, and indeed a bit worried, but he carried Harry over to the motorbike nonetheless. Sirius watched him with mixed emotions, trying his hardest not to cry. There really was nothing he could do.

Before getting on the motorbike, Hagrid turned and mustered a small smile.

"Don't yeh worry," he said, although it was plain that he was also fighting back tears, "Things'll work out."

Sirius just nodded. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to keep it together if he actually said anything.

"Well…here we go," Hagrid sighed, swinging himself onto the bike. He kept Harry safe in one massive arm and was able to control the bike with his free hand.

Sirius watched Hagrid take off, and continued to watch until the bike was just a speck in the sky. Then, when he was very sure that he was alone, he sank to his knees where he was, in the middle of the street, and sobbed. He cried for Harry, for himself, and for James and Lily. He cried for everything that had happened to Remus, and for the fact that things among the Marauders were jumbled and broken and could never really be made right again.

And when there were no more tears, the anger came. It was anger unlike any that Sirius had ever known, and it spread through him like wildfire, making his blood run hot.

Thunder rumbled in the distance and Sirius realized that dark clouds had been gathering for some time. As the first drops of rain began to fall, he threw back his head and screamed a curse to the sky.

_"Damn you, Wormtail! You're going to pay for this! I swear that I will not rest until I've killed you!"_

Wind and branches tugged at Remus's robes as he pushed his way through the woods. Just his luck that he'd Apparated too far into them and was having trouble getting out. But Sirius had sounded so freaked that suddenly the silver dagger was a distant memory and Remus found himself in the middle of the woods outside what was, presumably, the Muggle village of Godric's Hollow.

As he ducked under yet another tree branch, the sky decided to open up. Soon, Remus was not only battered and scratched, but also soaked. He was beginning to think that he might be lost, as well, when he saw smoke. It was thick, black, and entirely unpleasant, but he followed it anyway, thinking that it might lead him out of the woods.

When it did, he had to stop himself from turning and plunging back into the trees. The sight of the wrecked house made his stomach churn, and he'd had enough of throwing up to last a lifetime. But something made him go forward, and soon he saw a dark shape in the road. Not knowing what to expect, Remus drew his wand, but when he got closer, he realized that it was Sirius, on his knees and apparently crying.

"Er," Remus began, kneeling next to Sirius and trying not to startle him, "Are you all right, Padfoot?"

Sirius looked up with red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes. The look on his face not only answered Remus's question, but also gave the impression that he might never be "all right" again. There was a deep despair there that Remus had never seen before, and it looked entirely wrong on someone as good-natured as Sirius.

For a moment, all that could be heard was the roaring of the rain. Then suddenly, Sirius seemed to see what was in front of him, and he broke into fresh sobs. He grasped Remus's shoulders for support as his own body shook.

"They're dead, Remus!" he shouted over the rain, "Voldemort found them…he killed them…Harry survived somehow but Hagrid took him to Dumbledore…"

Remus was so bewildered that he wasn't quite sure what to do or say. One minute he'd been sitting in his apartment, about to kill himself, and the next he was in the middle of the road in a Muggle village, getting soaked by a downpour and watching Sirius go into hysterics. He wasn't used to being the one to give comfort.

He realized that Sirius had let go of him and was sitting back on his heels, staring up at the sky and letting the rain wash over him.

"They're dead," he murmured, "Oh Remus…I am so sorry…"

"Padfoot, there was nothing you could do," Remus said firmly, "I know you stand by James and Lily no matter what."

"Stood by," Sirius replied vaguely, "Oh God…what have I done…"

"Hey now," Remus said, leaning forward and putting a hand on Sirius's shoulder, "You didn't do anything but help. And now I'm here, like you asked, and it's my turn to do what I can."

_It's the least I can do after acting like such a jerk,_ he added mentally. Sirius sniffled and pushed his soaking hair out of his face.

"I don't know what to do," he whispered. Remus sighed, trying not to cry himself, and pulled Sirius into what he hoped was a comforting hug.

"I know," was all he said. He couldn't manage more because everything was starting to hit him at once.

He _had_ been a jerk, he realized that now. He'd sequestered himself with his problems and let them take him over. Everything that Sirius had said to him that day in the Apothecary was true: he'd wallowed in self-pity, let his condition take him over, and forgotten his friends.

And now…Remus could barely bring himself to think the thought. James and Lily were…dead. The ruined house was their house, and they'd gone down with it. While he'd been so busy pretending that he was protecting his friends, what Remus had really done was neglect them. And, as a result, he'd lost the last bit of time he could have had with James and Lily. Probably with Harry, too, by the sound of things.

Why had he ever listened to that crap Diana spouted about being proud to be a werewolf? Why hadn't he listened to James, stopped worrying about full moons, and focused on being human?

He didn't know why, but the fact remained that he hadn't. He'd been stupid instead. And now he was going to make up for it as much as he could, despite the fact that it was far too late to really remedy anything. He'd start by being there for Sirius, and then he'd see what else he could do to help. It was time to be Moony again.

It was time to be a man.

THE END


End file.
